*Ancient Egypt*
Me: My abacus won’t work
IT: Hit giant eye + guy holding snakes + big ass bird
Me: Nothing
IT: Okay, reset *shuffles abacus*
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It’s almost bikini season! Do I need a licence or can I just shoot them as I see them?
Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.
OMG my brother in law, the gift that never stops giving, was tired of being sent to get rice every day so he decided buy in bulk, talked to the shop about it, wires got crossed, now there is a literal TRUCK FILLED WITH RICE outside the house and my sister is losing her shit lmfao
[married people conversations]
Wife: babe, what’s the guys name from that movie we watched on Netflix that one time?
Me: Joseph Gordon-Levitt.
Wife: that’s it! thanks!
Once my school teacher lectured me for unacceptable behaviour. That’s 30 mins of sleep I am never getting back
*showing my kids bobsledding clips*
My 5yo: *matter of factly* They should all be screaming.
My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.
Thanks to daylight saving time, my kids now have an extra hour to fight with each other.
I decorate for Halloween by opening my bedroom curtains as I walk around naked. Pretty scary stuff for my neighbors.
[carrot slice falls on the floor]
Ah well I guess it’s in the trash with you[potato chip falls on the floor]
YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD ESCAPE.
Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
We don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you a little bit and decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “she’s being weird again”
[reading test results]
“It looks like you’re gonna be just fine”
[nurse whispers in ear]
“Lol my bad u got like 6 weeks”-Steve Harvey M.D.
Me: *screaming along to death-metal*
My child, who I forgot was in the car:
Me: “Can I put this sweatshirt in the dryer?”
Wife: “Well, what does it say on it?”
Me: “Buffalo Sabres.”
Wife: “You’re an idiot”
[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch
“Congratulations on the baby! Childbirth is so beautiful!” – Someone who has clearly never witnessed the birth of a child.
“You drive, I’m tired.”
What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?
No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.
It’s always humbling when the dinner I had delivered comes with 2 sets of cutlery
Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry
What Nasa dont want you to know is those space suits they wear, those are actually bee keepers outfits.
Space is full of bees.
The moon is actually a giant hive, its where we get like 95% of our honey from. Check that moon landing footage again, its not grainy, thats a swarm.
I’ll grow my beard out just so I can knock on a strangers door & whisper, “I’m here to pick your kid up for prom. Either one. I don’t care.”
Someone asked if I had fun weekend plans and without hesitation I said “Costco”
Wife: We are lost
Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine
Behold…the 4th horseman of the Apocalypse.
Me: I can’t afford to get my hair coloured at the salon this month. I’ll just do it myself at home.
Me: *half an hour later*
tryna choke on gummy bears so my tombstone can read killed by a bear