[Ancient Greek Dandruff Shampoo Commercial]
MEDUSA: *looking super embarrassed, trying to casually brush a bunch of shed snake skins off her shoulders*
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Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.
I try to use proper grammar and punctuation in all of my tweets, until I’m about to go over the 140 character limit…& den u no how it b.
Her: how are you
Me: good
Her: you sure?
Me: yup
Her: you’re alright?
Me: yes..
Her: really?
Me:
Her: are y–
Me: people like you go missing
Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.
girl at restaurant: “Are you Tony Hawk?” me: “Yes.” her: “Why?” I had no idea how to answer.
While America is suffering administrative paralysis, we should sneak in and change their spellings to the English ones, and replace the missing ‘u’ in their words.
then my mum calls to ask why I’m not attending a family dinner; she says where is the glue
me: glue?
her: the glue you have been sniffing
This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.
My teen left her phone at home when she went to school so unfortunately she can’t text me if she needs anything. Fortunately she also can’t text me if she needs anything.
JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA NOOOOOOOOO JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJJAJAJ AIREEEEEE JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA
Cereal. Check.
Milk. Check.
Bread. Check.
Fruit. Check.
Salad. Check.
Wow, the looks I am getting! Guess I could have paid w/ 1 check.
“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”
–Pluto, the former planet
me talking to family:
▶🔘──────── 00:02me talking to friends:
▶ 🔘──────── 00:06me going through the Wiki pages for the Netflix ‘Popples’ series & live action Flintstones movies:
▶ 🔘──────── 1:54:28
ME: How are you?
“I can’t complain”
ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough
Wife: We hid 60 chocolate eggs right?
Me: Yes. I already “found” 5 though.
My wife and I tried to play COD multiplayer yesterday. Shot her in the head while she was still trying to figure out the controls and now she made breakfast for only herself and the kids.
“I am a gift to this earth.”
[Earth regifts me]
“I am a gift to KELT-1b of the Andromeda Galaxy”
Me: What’s wrong?
Wifi: You’re obsessed with the internet
Me: Give me one example
Wifi: Look how you’ve spelled wife
I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.
Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.
Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
ME: how about a horn solo
DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: that’s not how this works
I just need to go ahead and admit it.
I’m not mature enough to live in a state called Idaho
He said he was a Guardian of the galaxy, I thought that was pretty cool until I realised he was a security guard in a Samsung shop.
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.
The “we’re going to need a bigger boat” scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.
Them: Can you recommend a show for me?
Me: Captain Caveman?
Them: Maybe something more for adults?
Me:
Them: Sorry.
I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
-911 what’s your emergency?
-People are pronouncing it EX-presso.