(pretending to be well-read to impress a girl)
War and Peace? Yeah I loved that one
“What was your favorite part?”
I’d have to say the Peace
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[first day as a billionaire]
Me: I’ll take 300 egg mcmuffins and a small cup of your finest coke zero
[invents time machine and goes back to the dinosaurs]
“in a few years its gonna be really cold”
*hands them mixtape*
“you’re gone need this”
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
[Plays air guitar]
[Dodges air panties]
Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.
Him: That was one time.
Boy, I hate small talk.
*coworkers all grimace*
He’s right behind me isn’t he?
*Small talk starts cracking his knuckles*
Working on microwave salmon popcorn for people to use on their last day at a job.
Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I’ll try harder.
My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”
Sure sex is great and all but have you ever watched someone trip over a curb while getting out of a Bentley?
The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.
My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.
Cop ~ Do you know how fast you were going sir ?
Me ~ Uhhh …. Roughly about the same as you
Cop ~ Get out
*Gets arrested for making prank phone calls
[At Police Station]
“You can make one phone call”
*Dials random #
“Is your fridge running?”
If the hand soap isn’t for drinking why do they put a straw in the bottle?
If anyone wants a tiger let me know. I bought one but he’s being a d-bag and won’t wear the matching sunglasses I bought us.
2020 was like “I know a place” … and took us to hell.
[doctors exam]
“I’m feeling a lump here. Here’s another. You have several lumps.”
-uh oh, what does that mean doc?
“it means you’re fat”
Brain: Compliment her eyes
Me: Yeah?
Brain: Trust me“YOUR EYES ARE BLUE LIKE BLUEBERRIES & THEY’RE PROBABLY SQUISHY TOO.”
Brain: Perfect!
If your dog & your baby are fighting, it’s important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.
Be the reason your neighbors have that why me look in there eyes whenever they see you
It’s never too late to accomplish things you never thought you could. I’m 46 years old and just set a personal record for vertical leap when I saw my own reflection in the mirror and jumped like a cat
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
ME: *3D prints a girlfriend* Hey baby
3D Girlfriend: *3D prints a boyfriend* I have a boyfriend
Jan – Nov: depressed
December: depressed but with tinsel
I found a five dollar bill in the laundry and my credit rating went up 12 points.
Dropped my 2 year old off at daycare, put her shoes & blankie in her cubby and kissed her goodbye. I spotted her lunchbox back in my car so I took it inside. When she saw me she jumped up & grabbed her stuff to go home like she’d been there for 7 hours. My daughter is a goldfish.
If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader…….
My kids said parenting is easy so I let them put the toddlers socks and shoes on and now everyone is crying.
[zoo]
cop: what happened here?
boss: they attacked when he tried to inflate one of them
me inside enclosure: [with final breath] babloon