And for my next trick I’ll be pulling the rug from under your feet
~Life
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I have the impulse control of a random number generator.
My favorite part of riding an elevator is staring at my phone while avoiding eye contact with the person I just tried to close the doors on.
“how to handle stress like a dog: if you can’t eat it or play with it,
Pee on it and walk away.”
I hate dealing with fresh garlic. Each individual clove with their little f***ing paperwork.
The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals on the boat.
Niece: I like math
M: 5 X 1?
N: 5
M: *takes out phone* right
N:You’re using your phone?
M: I got a text
N: I didnt hear a sound*runs away*
obsessed with this tiktoker who has leaned into his miss piggy impression by recreating movie scenes like the monologue from hereditary
Scientists please just tell us when the world is gonna end so I can stop working out
Bookternity leave should be a thing. Like maternity leave but for when you have new books to read
[at job interview at NASA]
NASA: sir, you’re underqualified for this position.
Me: have you seen our president?
NASA: give him a spaceship
WIFE: This is dumb.
DAUGHTER: This is so stupid.
ME: This is getting out of hand!
THIS: [leaping out of my palm] I HATE YOU GUYS I’M LEAVING
Me: Two fingers here.
Son: OK.
M: One in the other hole.
S: Got it.
M: Relax your wrist.
Wife: WHAT ARE YOU TEACHING HIM?
M: Bowling. Chill.
Trying to break up with an optician, but every time I say I can’t see you anymore, she moves an inch closer and says “how about now?”
My body says you’re tired go to sleep, my mind says have you ever thought about why only elephants have knees like ours.
I believe that there is a radio station called WPMN, Worst Possible Music Network, and they are always playing it in the locker room at my gym.
IKEA assembly instructions should come with a glossary of Swedish swear words.
Me: I just heard a noise
WebMD: Cancer
Chief cop: “This might be racially motivated.”
Ian: “Hate crime?”
Chief cop: “We all hate crime, Ian. That’s why we are cops.”
Every few weeks I login to Facebook, update my birthday to the current day, and those idiots wish me happy birthday every time.
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
*shaking fist, cursing my blood enemies* May it rain hard on your school poster project due date. And…and…May your magic marker block letters run!
my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?
me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town
Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?
Why do parents train babies to peek with the game peekaboo but then spend the remaining childhood telling them not to peek?
[GUYS WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE]
Guy1: What should we call it?
Guy2: How bout ‘Hot Spot’?
Guy1: Nah..
Guy2: How bout ‘Fireplace’?
Guy1: Duuuuuuuuude!!!
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home.
As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
Not muting your mic is the new reply all
Tried to steal some candy from a baby.
I got hit in the face with a rattle and then it puked on me
They lied about how easy that was.
The expression “you catch more bees with honey” also could imply that you may get stung by said bees.