3: Daddy, please don’t do that joke anymore.
Me: Which one, buddy?
3: Any of them.
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When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.
[1776]
America: We want the British out[1931]
Australia: We want the British out[1947]
India: We want the British out[2020]
Britain: We want the British out
Hey lady I’m no dummy…those are letters not numbers.
-first day of algebra class
I didn’t see a single avenger die when Obama was president
So many chores, so many kids to do them for me
*doesn’t turn down whale sounds relaxation cd while being pulled over*
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
COW: Was I speeding?
COP: No
COW: Is it because I’m a c–
COP: It’s because you’re a cow.
[sams club]
ME: {wearing ski mask} This is a robbery!
LADY AT FRONT DOOR: Do you have your membership card?
ME: Uhh, I left it at home.
LADY: I’m sorry sir I can’t let you in.
ME: Please! I’ll be quick.
Told her I’d rather eat laundry than fold it and now I’m having boxers for breakfast.
Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath
Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I’m unaware of?
Obi-wan: You look different.
Vader: You left me burning alive in lava with no arms and legs.
Obi-wan: I thought maybe you got a haircut.
My 8yo (a qualitative soul): How cool is THAT!!
Me (a quantitative soul): *reaches for thermometer*
January is the ex boyfriend you shouldn’t drunk text at two a.m.
me: *using chocolate coins as currency*
clerk: those are not legal tender
me: tender? buddy, these will melt in your mouth
The British Museum will take anything but jokes.
you miss 100% of the gossip from the phone calls you don’t answer
Marriage is one spouse cooking and the other deciding to block them by unloading the dishwasher and ending the argument by rage folding laundry
My parents just called.
M+D: We started watching Captain America Civil War from the middle.
ME: You should watch it from the beginning?
M+D: It came on TV and we caught it halfway through.
ME: Okay.
M+D: Real quick – why are they all at the airport fighting each other?
My husband wants to Facetime me while he’s in Germany. I’m like, it’s going to be a little awkward with my boyfriend in the background, but whatever.
Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.
You can do whatever you want to do in life as long as you live in a Hallmark movie
OK, Gravity wasn’t very realistic. First of all, and I checked this, Sandra Bullock — not an astronaut
A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.
The real reason evolution started..😂
I accidentally relaxed my shoulders at work today and shapeshifted into a doormat.
[Cops at crime scene]
Cop 1: Criminal scum. They must have taken every single toilet.
Cop 2: Wow, they really left us nothing to go on.
Before records were invented, people used to say: u sound like an opera singer that keeps repeating himself
awkardly looking around the applebees bar & grill for my tidner date whose profile picture is waluigi
Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.