it’s extremely weird how many reporters are turning in long-read stories about how fabulously wealthy jeff bezos is when it is pretty well known that editors are only really interested in pictures of Spiderman
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Ever notice how pathetically lonely you are when the person in the next bathroom stall completely ignores your knock knock joke?
[girlfriend finally texts back]
ME: i’m so mad at you.
HER: i’m naked come over.
ME: i’m not really mad i was jk lol omw babe
People who talk with your phone on speaker like it’s a Star Trek Communicator –
we’re trying to have a society here. And everyone hates you.
My 3yo just straight-faced handed me a mirror and asked if I wanted to see something yucky!
I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined
Me: You should have been more specific
Wife: When I said fill my car up, obviously I meant fuel
Me: ok that does make more sense
Of course I can cook.
What kind of cereal would you like?
Me: I don’t think I fit into some box with a label on it.
Serial Killer: *looking disappointed* Are you sure?
Wife: I’m glad you’re watching TLC and looking to improve yourself. So who are your new friends?
Husband: These would be your Sister Wives
Your honor these allegations are
“What are you doing here?”
I just got fired from the circus
“Oh my”
Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond
I plan on spending the weekend in a vintage perfume ad (walking, staring, hair, wind).
Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.
You know you’re sick when your girlfriend asks if you’re feeling okay instead of the usual eye roll after spitting up a lung.
Generally when you hear the phrase “hold my beer and watch this”
Just dial 911
I stupidly asked my kids to explain why there are rocks in the washing machine, as if I’m new to this whole parenting thing
Me: *makes 120 gazillion meals*
Kids: yuk
Husband: *makes pancakes*
Kids: daddy you’re a much better cook than mummy
911? I’m a man trapped in a woman’s body!
“That’s not exactly an emergency.”
Oh. Huh. Ok.
*Tries door in Statue of Liberty again*
Republicans, don’t forget to set your clocks back 50 years
Because of aquariums I thought I loved marine biology but it turns out I just really like the idea of fish prison.
What idiot decided to call them koalas instead of awww-stralians?
Never lose touch with your inner Wednesday Addams.
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
8: When I’m a grown up, I’m going to stay up all night
Me: I’m a grown up and I don’t stay up all night
8: Well I’m going to be a grown up with a lot of energy not a sleepy one like you
3 years ago I trained 6 days a week & ran a 5K. Now I run my mouth 6 days a week telling the pizza delivery guy how I ran a 5K 3 years ago.
Those who do not learn from history are destined to repeat it.
But I guess the same can be said for math and geography courses.
I’m still in disbelief that 9/11 coincidentally happened on September 11 (9/11)
Her: there’s something different about you
Me, slowly transitioning into a werewolf: HOWOOOOOOOOO do you mean?
drug lord: “ill email you when we make the drop, what’s your address?”
me: “[email protected]”
loud from my earpiece: “abort keith, abort”
My mom: why are you being so defensive
Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better