Luke: If you’re such a great Jedi, why don’t you fight Vader yourself?
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda: Other shit to do, I have.
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computer: choose a password
me: TheScarletLetter
computer: password cannot contain symbols
Me: Wanna have sex?
Wife: With you or in general?
Waiter: *sets down check*
Me: my treat
Her: thank you so much
Me: *grabbing mint on check* for what
My 3yo gave me a hug and said, “here is a flower just for you. I got it from the plastic tree you told me not to touch.”
Wishy-washy sounds like someone that’s optimistically clean.
If you want your dog to take a pill:
1. Get a piece of cheese
2. Eat the cheese for energy
3. Get ready to wrestle your dog
I told my friends, family and dentist that I chipped my tooth recently because Storm Isha blew the garden door into my face at high speed. The truth is that I was actually playing tug of war with our Alsatian dog, by holding the other end of the rope in my teeth.
If I were a doctor I would become assassinated by the insurance industry after publicly evincing the curative properties of a hot dog and a soda
Emperor Nero had a distant cousin named Emperor Faro
Why are bridges so flammable.
The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.
aladdin: i can show you the world
jasmine: no
aladdin: i can show you a cool bug
jasmine: ok
My annual evaluation was today at work.
I’ll be riding this “exceeds expectations” high for weeks.
I thought the best thing about adulthood would be the ability to buy as much Dr Pepper gum as I wanted.
It’s been discontinued and packs now sell for $50 on eBay.
You win again, life.
Is it solipsistic in here or is it just me?
[ I am abducted by aliens ]
alien: it’s been 5000 years since we first came and bestowed upon you our wisdom. we excepted things to be… different
me: WANT SOME GUM IT’S AVALANCHE FLAVOR
[Meeting friends baby]
Me: [bouncing him on my knee] he’s a big boy isn’t he
Friend: yeah he was 11 pounds
Me: wow that’s cheap
Saw this guy having engine troubles with his smart car. So I got out my son’s legos and built him a new one. I’m such a giver
We cut open the cake at the gender reveal party and out spill thousands of fire ants. The guests howl. FIRE ANTS ARE MOSTLY MALE, I explain
The inventor of cheese: This milk is nice but I wish I could bite it.
Thou shalt not winky face smiley another man’s twitter crush.
-Emojenesis 8:15
Having a kitten around is great, because I was definitely missing being randomly assaulted by five pounds of panicky barbed wire as silent as a shadow in my life.
Satan: *rubbing temples* For the love of God and everything holy, put your clothes back on.
Me: Not until you turn the heat down.
During dinner 10 asked 5 to imagine a world without ketchup. She hasn’t spoken in 3 hours I think he broke her
I could never succeed at chemistry. I Guess that’s why it’s called chemist “try”
*holding flashlight to face*
And then I pressed……update all.
*children screaming*
I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.
Introducing new iPhone 5 features:
– Patented Ultrablack color technology.
– Siri is less of a cunt.
– Contains 1 mg of Steve Jobs’ ashes.
a bug flew in my mouth today and that’s probably the healthiest thing I’ve eaten all week
Some guy in a strange costume walked up my front steps but when I went to give him some candy he just gave me some mail