@briangaar: And I don't want to hear people from imaginary places like Finland telling me that 57 degrees isn't cold, save it for the elves, Santa
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@envydatropic: *Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour* Has literally no idea what's going on in the world
@truegritrumble: ME: *holding my crying newborn son* There. There. I ALSO find myself very upsetting.
@truegritrumble: (Teaching Kid to Ride a Bike) KID:Dad, I'm scared ME:It's okay. The closest tree is a mile away TREE:*rushes up to kid and clotheslines him*
@mompsychologist: 5yo after licking my face: "Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you."