And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance…
Barista: Sir your Caffè Mocha is ready.
Me: Oh ok nevermind.
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today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore
It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
Me: *buys a blue chair online*
Internet: check out these 16 similar blue chairs since you obv collect blue chairs
“He is woke.” – Millenial Easter
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.
“The biblical Noah is no different than say, a Pokemon master, collecting God’s creatures for his own amusement,” I casually mention during the staff meeting while waiting for my PowerPoint to load
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do you have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“No.”
[at restaurant]
Me: “I’m so hungry I could eat a horse”Wife: “I’m the same”
Horse family at next table: *just sitting very still*
POLICE CHIEF: We need you to go deep undercover.
ME: How deep?
CHIEF: VERY deep.[Later, lying on a blanket, looking at the stars]
ME: *Turns to mob boss* What do you think God is?
Maybe I carry an axe. You don’t know. I could love you to pieces…
have unfortunately discovered you can ask gpt4 to write you a rupi kaur poem and it does a really good job
DATING TIP: OFFER THEM WATER. PUT 2 STRAWS IN.
ROMANTIC WATER.
If I wanted to insult a humpback whale I’d call it a ‘quasimofo’ then I would high five myself and probably drown idk I haven’t thought this through.
How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?
I am a smart, funny, capable woman… who just tried to zoom in on a photo in a magazine by double tapping the page.
hot instagram model girl: before each workout i always drink this
me: [laying in bed covered in crumbs] im gonna buy that
My 3 year old reported seeing a spider-cricket and I couldn’t find it so we’re outside watching the house burn.
having a king is going to take some getting used to. we’re used to our monarch moving as far as they want in any direction but now it’s just one square at a time. much higher chance of being killed by a horse
Didn’t think my children listened at all but my 3yo shouted from the back seat, “these people don’t know how to drive!” so now I know he listens to his Dad.
Roses are red
Novels have pages
Your boss’s profit
Is your unpaid wages
My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…
I didn’t say you’re dumber than rocks I said you’re dumber than A rock. That’s an important distinction because if you put enough of the right kinds of rocks together and heat them you can make a computer.
“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies
I never had children but I still get to watch my dogs find clever ways to avoid eating broccoli.
*Crawls into bed, hides under the covers in foetal position*
Wife: What’s wrong? Did you only get four stars in a Just Dance song?
Me: it was hard
Sometimes I pretend I’m picking up lunch for the office even tho the KFC workers can clearly see me eating that bucket in their parking lot.
I gave my 12yo a punishment and she asked if I could pick a different punishment, thereby demonstrating that she does not, in fact, grasp the concept of a punishment.
Nothing puts me in touch with my mortality like stepping onto a downward escalator.