@simoncholland: And like the migratory pattern of the white-crowned sparrow, the last roll of toilet paper makes its journey from bathroom to bathroom.
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@MensHumor: Halloween is, by far, the safest day to kill a person and leave them in a chair on your porch.
@sofarrsogud: 3 AM BRAIN: You awake? ME: I am now! B: I was wondering.. M: B: Did the inventor of the elasticated waistband get the Nobelt Prize?
@iRowlf: Lowe's banned me for yelling "From the windows! To the walls! To the sweat drop down my balls!", as I explained how much carpet I needed.