@simoncholland: And like the migratory pattern of the white-crowned sparrow, the last roll of toilet paper makes its journey from bathroom to bathroom.
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@DirtMcTurd: [friend being eaten by a bear] *screaming violently* Me: Stay calm! Don't move so much! I'm trying to take a picture for snapchat!
@Brianhopecomedy: Well this is awkward. Apparently when my wife's friend invited me over for a play-date I was supposed to bring my kids.
@jazmasta: They say a dog can retrieve a tennis ball from over a mile away. Seems a bit far fetched to me.
@TomTheWicked: *puts kid in tub* *checks twitter* *forgets about kid* *tweets* *remembers kid* *finds kid-shaped prune floating in tub*