And like the migratory pattern of the white-crowned sparrow, the last roll of toilet paper makes its journey from bathroom to bathroom.
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Just one more chapter! (via @someecards)
I don’t mean to brag but I’m one of the reasons they installed emergency stop clips on gym treadmills
spent the day in the woods trying to distract the deer hunters. shocked at the things I’d do just to save a few bucks
Yesterday I bought 6 bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Today I have 6 opened bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Wife: I just want a honest opinion of my outfit
Me *signing her up to a rap battle* and you’ll get one
[stranded on a desert island]
*plane flies over head and drops a letter*
Me: omg I’m going to be rescued!
*opens letter*
we’re just reaching out to you about your car’s extended warrantyMe: Sonofa-
*gets on 1 knee*
Jenny…
“OMG”
*places hand on heart and starts crying*
“This is great!”
*gets on 2nd knee*
I’m having a heart attack
I always draw track marks on my arms and cough a lot when visiting family so that no one asks me to hold their baby or help prepare food.
My seven year old just said, “I kinda want to experience being a dad but I kinda don’t want to get married” Should I ask him more questions.
me: my father shall hear of this
them: is he powerful and wealthy?
me: no we’re just close
Welcome
Her: My father is very upset that I’m your girlfriend.
Me: Well, duh, I’m very upset that you’re my girlfriend…
Just looked in my 8 yr old son’s bedroom and I’m pretty sure it can’t be ruled out that the Malaysian jet may be in there somewhere.
Me: ‘I need to lose some weight.’
Fries: ‘Let’s do it together.’
Date: Lets break the ice.
Polar bear: break th-[shatters Coke bottle] BREAK THE ICE? What are you saying?!
D: I mea-
PB: THATS MY HOME LINDA
I love you to the refrigerator and back
I’m a fairly bold person, but not “first person to clap during a pause in a fine arts performance” bold
A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox
Me: I ran into Bill on the ride home.
Wife: How’s he doing?
Me: 3 cracked ribs, a broken hip & a collapsed lung.
The Bachelorette… but for cats.
Put a picture of a random coworker on your desk to spice up the workplace
Never play chess with a British person. Their queen never dies.
I’ve never been held hostage but I’ve been on a group text.
They don’t serve bacon on airplanes cause pigs are on the no fry list
this kid in kindergarten used to make fun of me all the time, then one day I couldn’t take it anymore so I ate all of his crayons while he was watching. I was so happy when he cried but I kinda regret it cause I ended up losing my teaching job
The movie scene where discarded clothes lead to lovers in bed, except it’s my clothes leading to my wife picking them up and cursing me.
Who will tell him he’s not a dog !
[a mass poisoning of football players]
detective 1: I think there was mercury in the Gatorade
detective 2: Johnson, this is no time for your stupid astrology mumbo-jumbo