“And now it’s time for Guess How Many Belly Rubs I Want! Remember, contestants, guess wrong and you get the claws!”
– Cat game shows
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If I worked at a wax museum, I think a good joke would be to put a wick coming out of all of their heads.
My tween, who wanted money, told me I don’t look a day over 41. I’m 40.
My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.
incredibly disappointed to discover that these are two separate programs
[ asteroid approaching earth ]
me: *slapping baseball mitt*
Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.
[Sherwood Forest]
LITTLE JOHN: Go through it one more time for me
ROBIN HOOD: Ok…we rob from the rich…
LITTLE JOHN: Right
ROBIN HOOD: …and we give to the poor
LITTLE JOHN: And then we rob them
ROBIN HOOD: What? No! Why would we do that?
LITTLE JOHN: Cause now they rich.
‘THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!’
~me, parenting teens
I think that news channel only hired you as a weather forecaster so they could see you get hit by a stop sign in a hurricane.
Haha I love my wife. I just told her to calm down and now she’s in the backyard digging a 6 feet long hole to calm herself down. What a woman!
I Spit On Your Gravy #MakeAHorrorFilmLessScary
i love when dog owners are like “our dog is very food-motivated!” like yeah. it’s a dog
Claiming that someone else’s marriage is against ur religion is like being angry at someone for eating a donut because ur on a diet.
Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.
Me: Get off the iPad and play with your new gifts.
9yo: Ok, can you help me set up this microscope? Do we have vinegar and distilled water for this craft set? How does this weaving loom work? Can you do a mad lib with me?
Me: Go play the iPad.
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
eating lightbulbs and setting your own house ablaze are rare but serious side effects of this medication. contact your doctor if this occurs.
Architects should try and design a house with no yelling
Superman could have become a doctor, using his x-ray vision to detect life threatening tumors. But no, we really needed another journalist.
Hate weight limit signs in the elevator. Then I’m put in the awkward position of telling some pregnant woman she has to take the stairs.
A new dating show where couples have 30 minutes to meet, date, get engaged, get married, buy a house, raise 3 kids, retire, travel and die old together.
Are there Jewish exorcisms? Where the demon comes out, and just tells you to call your mother?
*Michael Cera stubs his toe on a cotton ball*
*during sex*
Him: come on baby tell me what you want me to do!
Me: ring for pizza, I’m bloody starving
A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.
After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.
Crap. I accidentally pulled up Instagram instead of Instacart. Now it’s 2 hours later and I have no groceries for Sunday prep but I know where Rihanna bought her hoop earrings and I have 20 cute pumpkin pics saved.
When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
When I call out the wrong name during sex, I just segue into singing Mambo No. 5.