and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area
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Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“Um ok, anything else on that?”
Yes, one pepperonus.
I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.
PRINCIPAL: Your father needs to speak to you urgently
SON: Oh my god what’s wrong
ME: I think your mother gave you my oreo thins by mistake
It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?
Is your ice cube tray listening to your family’s conversations? Find out next week on No! It’s! Not!
48 degrees & pouring rain. My neighbor is out running because “it releases endorphins”. I’m eating M&Ms and tweeting on my couch because it releases indoorphins.
Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!
-my baby
I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.
I’m dreaming of getting rich like my father.
Wow your dad must be a rich man.
No, he too is dreaming of getting rich.
[The First Halloween: October 31, 17 A.D.]
KID: I’m hungry
DAD: Go ask the neighbour for food
i hate i t when girls think im proposing whenever i take the knee at them in protest
“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”
– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers
Son, I’m not a mad scientist, just a disappointed scientist.
my first day as a raccoon
Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
Then:
Me: I want McDonald’sMom: Do you have McDonald’s money?
Now:
Mom: I want grandkidsMe: Do you have grandkids money??
Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!
Hate when I zone out while someone’s talking to me and they have the nerve to ask me a question like I’m in 5th grade and they’re a teacher.
What genius called it a ‘bar’ and not an ‘alcohall’?
If you put on country music in my car, I have one question:
How the hell did you break into my car?
Darth Vader tried to kill Solo, but sadly struggled with his Han die coordination
Mom: why aren’t you and your “friend” close anymore?
Me:
Starting my own Mafia! Looking for:
1. About 5-6 oafish goons
2. A “supply guy”
3. Level 4 Mage
4. ????
5. Someone named Tony
Will Smith isn’t special. I’m not invited to the Oscars for the next ten years either.
Daddy! Tell me a story..
The Tooth Fairy is really a wicked witch, who takes all your teeth if you sleep with your mouth open.
Good night.
Paying bills, or as I call it, the race to a zero balance
Cop: Freeze!
Suspect: Try and catch me! *dives into Olive Garden’s bottomless pasta bowl*
Rookie: We gotta go after him!
Cop: No. He’s gone.