And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.
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And in that moment, she decided to stand up for herself
Never again would she do what Simon said
Watching Finding Dory & her parents call her “cupcake.” How do they know what that is?
This movie doesn’t seem very realistic, you guys.
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
Son: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [frantically swatting away bees because my bald spot makes me look like a flower from behind]: yes it’s great
I feel like people are in such a hurry these days, that there isn’t enough moseying happening anymore. Dont even get me started on sauntering and lollygagging.
after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host
*Goes to Vegas casino
*Steps out of limo
Casino manager: Sir, are you a high roller?
Me: I am, now point me to your finest claw machine.
The proctologist told me to drop my pants so I did what any good listener from the 80s did
Wife: Yelling stranger danger hysterically was a bit much though
Murder hornets don’t sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.
(Shoots my husband in the eye with a Waterpik)
Me: How do you like it?
I like to refer to my psychiatrist as a “serotonin artist.”
{at sports arena}
*kiss cam pans to me just as I take a huge bite of a hotdog
Me: *panics and seductively licks mustard off my lips.
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
Give a man a fish & he’ll eat for a day. give a fish a man & you appease the Fish-lord who’s terrorized coastal communities.But at what cost
I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day so I’ll probably end up going out with the wife
[donating blood]
“You’re looking a little faint. Can I get you a drink?”
“No thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns.”
Him: The will states that all of the deceased’s debts are bequeathed to the ‘ugly’ son. Who is that?
Me: I’m an only child.
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
Soldier: WE NEED MORE AMMO QUICK!
Me: [sweating bullets] um will these work
Soldier: [amazed] you son of a gun
Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that Im typing this with my middle finger.
We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore
Me: Waiter, check please!
Waiter: *checks under the table* No monsters, sir.
Me: Thank you.
Receptionist: the doctor can see you now
invisible man who’s also blind: who said that
receptionist: who said that
[Looking at ultrasound monitor with my wife]
Wife: Look at it’s little heart beating! Isn’t it amazing…
Me: It looks like a crossiant
Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.
THE BOY: ew, why you kiss the dog?
ME: ew, why you so jelly?
PRIEST: What is your view on celibacy?
ME: I thought her vocal performance on Goldfinger was outstanding.
Just show up everyday and be consistent.
Toddlers make it easy to do that especially when they come to your room and just show up in your face, silently, at 3 am staring at you.
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: things couldn’t get worse
2020: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
ME: i wish girls would flock to me
GENIE: ok
ME [a pumpkin spice latte]: SON OF A