And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.
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When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk
“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.
ME: So it’s like a spank bank for your feelings?
THERAPIST: Most people just call it a journal, but sure
diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan
Me: Congratulations on becoming a master criminal.
Cousin: I earned a master’s degree in criminology.
Me: So do you get a bigger share of the loot from heists now or what?
My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.
WTF. I was looking right at her.
You know those lines you see painted on parking lots? I know this will come as a shock to some of you, but you’re supposed to park between them.
Guess how many times pre-wrapped convenience store firewood helped me get laid.
all that yoga finally paid off
Someday future archaeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think it was some bizarre mouse-worshiping kingdom.
Marriage 30s: He doesn’t know I burp or fart yet.
Marriage 40s: You should probably sleep in the other room because I had Mexican food for lunch.
Laundry:
Washing – 30 mins
Drying – 60 mins
Putting away – 7-10 business days.
Throwing a spear at your enemy is a bad gamble. If you miss you have no spear now and he’s just fine. He’s better than fine; now he has a spear.
Apparently I have to stop yelling ‘dear god why do bad things always happen to good people’ every time my mil walks through the door
My child has started writing raps and while I love her and applaud this development I wonder if she lacks the years of life experience the form demands
me: make me irresistible to women
genie: *turns me into a puppy* careful what you wish for haha
me: *raises hind leg over lamp*
genie: wait no stop
Sometimes it’s fun to walk out of the ladies room licking your fingers.
[Googling instructions for disarming a bomb]
For me, disarming bombs is indelibly linked to afternoons spent in my grandmother’s kitchen, watching her carefully iron the parchment paper that the nitroglycerin came bound in (to be reused at Christm
[Hurried scrolling]
It should’ve been a red flag when my ex told me that he got his futon mattress/bed out of a dumpster, but then I married him for 20 years.
Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount
I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.
Wolverine: You know what I can’t heal?
Jean: What Logan?
Wolverine: A broken heart*professor x starts laughing from the other room*
Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.
Me: How was your day?
7: Good
Me: What did you do at school?
7: I’ve already told you everything you need to know
My husband is setting up a new cell phone and listening to him play every single ring and text tone is exactly what I imagine hell is like.
*buys toddler a dinosaur toothbrush*
[cut to me using my new dinosaur toothbrush]
Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
Me [drunk]: gimme a bloody mary
Employee: sir, this is a haunted house
Me: m’bad. Gimme a bloody mary bloody mary bloody mary
doctor who has a passion for magic, during a colonoscopy: is this your card?