It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?
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toddler: Close your eyes and open your mouth
me [about to get hit with a bat]
“the moon is made of cheese”
You’re an idiot
“And yet you seem to be unable to refute my claim! Is it perhaps that you have no logical rebuttal? Tis always the side with the weaker argument that must resort to name calling. 😏”
[giving mother in law my famous salad dressing recipe over the phone] 1 part vinegar, then *bites lip so I don’t laugh* 2 parts baking soda
I went for a run today. Of course it was a beer run, but I was sweating.
I’m an introvert but also a narcissist so if you could find a way to praise and compliment me without having to talk to me, that’d be great
I speak 3 languages. Unfortunately no one else in the world speaks 2 of them.
If you tell a sob story on American Idol they pick you, so it’s like Twitter
Terminator: I’LL BE BACK
Me: Ok so I’ll see you…termi-later haha
Terminator: Actually I probably won’t be back
Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.
I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.
Daughter: Dad, you need a smart phone.
Me: Will it make my dinner?
D: No but-
M: Good talk.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s another chin, have a nice day.
it’s sundress season and i have several dresses with pockets and and if you don’t think i’m gonna use them to carry spicy chicken nuggets and mini babybels, you are mistaken
Ann Coulter has managed to stay so thin because the last solid meal she ate was Hansel and Gretel.
Oh ok learning the difference between doing one thing a day that scares you and one thing a day that scares your doctor
STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF
I switched to watching horror movies, because literally anything is less scary.
*Wife walks in, the house is trashed*
“OMG..we’ve been burgled”
*I jump out of the closet in full hockey gear*
HAVE YOU SEEN THE WASP KAREN?
I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…
But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.
Haven’t seen Paranormal Activity 4 yet so PLEASE don’t tell me which lamp falls over.
PISSED: teen gets fed up with teacher
“can i use the bathroom?”
“i don’t know, CAN you?”
*takes deep breath*
*pisses all over teachers desk*
Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.
dinosaur: [walks out of divorce court to find a parking ticket on his car] ugh this day can’t get any wor
If like me you’ve ever been accused of being born in a barn and want to chat about it, remember, my door is always open.
Me: what is my final challenge
*dragon appears*
Me: oh no
Dragon: spell necessary
Me: OH NO
me: so *slaps hood* what will it take to get me into this beauty?
car salesman: you cannot have my sweatshirt
why are they called stepfathers and not faux pas
My warrior status is dramatically reduced every time I check my phone to see what I ordered instead of opening the box.
I’m not above selling your kidney or my oldest child for a phone charger. I mean, if it came down to it. Not just like for fun.
No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.