Real women don’t wish their enemies would die, just that they’ll get fat.
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My last name is Zilla.
[teaching my dog to shake hands]
NO! Firmer than that. Want them to take you seriously?
Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.
Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn’t be allowed to talk.
I’ll go to extreme lengths to get the last bit of toothpaste from the tube but I’ll also watch 2 hrs of Nick Jr if I can’t reach the remote.
He died doing what he loved, waving a metal rod on a rooftop in a storm, yelling FU, GOD! Although he slipped & fell, Ted’s memory lives on.
If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?
Still haven’t given up on the dream of finding a suitcase full of money on the side of the road.
me: do you serve crabs here?
waiter: yes, we do
my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally
*orders expensive cat bed*
*waits 5 weeks for overseas shipping*
*watches the cat ignore it for 6 months*
*finally throws it, defeated, on top of the wardrobe*
Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?
Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!
There’s an expiration date on this bottle of Bailey’s lmao
Me – Okay well, put me down for bringing the flowers to the office party
Cw – oh no you don’t! We know you steal them from the cemetery
If a peanut butter cookie between two chocolate chip cookies is considered a sandwich, then I may have had a sandwich or two for lunch.
If a child’s survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child’s funeral.
Jesus: man shall not live by bread alone
Me: *mouthful of cheese* halleluryurrr
Terrifying if taken literally – if these walls could talk.
[Home Depot]
“Hi, my wife asked me to pick up some small finishing nails”
Clerk: Oh, with a little head?
“Nah, just verbally”
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Cuz saying ‘pulled me under’ sounds weird??
Me: Don’t do anything special for my birthday.
*People do special things for my birthday*
Me: Oh thank God.
That hurricane will bounce as soon as it hits LA because it can’t afford the rent.
your stripper name is the first two words you see in a newspaper headline while on the phone with your wife pretending to be an old British woman so you can be her nanny and spend more time with your kids
When you’re in the voting booth this fall, remember that Abe Lincoln didn’t slay all those vampires so that Trump could become President.
Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.
the first guy to ride a horse was all like GIDDYUP HORSEY and the horse was all like DAMMIT WHO TOLD HIM THAT MAKES US GO
I’m full of shit, opinions and liquor. If that’s not a recipe for a twitter addiction, I don’t know what is.
Once she realized I was chatting her up, the Kohl’s girl immediately indicated the extent of her interest: “My dad wears shirts like that”
[2287 AD]
Omg: dad, where did our names come from?
Karen: the algorithm, son
Meatsheets: dad, we already know there’s no algorithm
Karen: *soft blocks Meatsheets*
Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.
My friends describe me as “I’m sorry, he’s not usually like this.”