“And the award for best empty chasm goes to…Howling Void!”
HOWLING VOID: [howling]
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My 5 yo lost her first tooth and wanted to bring her tooth fairy swag to school to flex on her friends. This included the white “fairy dust” (baking soda). So, I sent my kid into preschool with a little bag of white powder for show and tell. Follow me for more parenting tips.
[wife calls]
“What time will you be home?”
“About 6.”
“Good, my parents are here &-”
“Actually there’s been a fire at work & we all died.”
Me: Hey Alexa-
Alexa: OMG WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
On a road trip passing a billboard that says live girls dancing daily.
My daughter’s voice from the backseat, “wow, that’s a lot of recitals.”
Father O’Malley answers the phone. ‘Hello, is this Father O’Malley?’
‘It is!’
‘This is the IRS. Can you help us?’
‘I can!’
‘Do you know a Ted Houlihan?’
‘I do!’
‘Is he a member of your congregation?’
‘He is!’
‘Did he donate $10,000 to the church?’
‘He will.’
me: I always get shy around beautiful women
friend: just tell her
cashier: hi
me: *quiet mumbling*
cashier: what?
me: ᴵ ˢᵃⁱᵈ ᵗʰᵉʳᵉ’ˢ ᵃ ᵈᵉᵃᵈ ᵇᵒᵈʸ ⁱⁿ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵈᵘᵐᵖˢᵗᵉʳ
At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.
Hello. I am Public Restroom. Would you like some toilet paper that melts in the palm of your hand? Here, have some empty soap, my child.
*Looking to buy a house*
ME: So, tell me about the neighborhood.
REALTOR: Great school district, very safe neighbo…
ME: No, I mean like the bars.. Are the bars close to here and do I need an Uber or can I just walk to them? What are their happy hour specials like?
SON: Why did mommy leave?
ME: You know how in your fav movie the t-rex fights the velociraptors even though it might die?
SON: Yeah
ME: She said that shit was fake yo
Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.
Art teacher: I think you’ve misunderstood. It’s the models who will be nude.
Me: Well this is awkward.
Someone at work said they saw me over the weekend and they said hi and I looked but just kept on walking and I was like yeah.
A web shooter like Spiderman would have so many uses, like I could grab the chips without leaving the couch.
The universe: “Everything happens for a reason”
Me:
Optimus Prime: “I transform from a robot into a truck. You?”
Amazon Prime: “I transform money into regrettable internet purchases at 2 AM.”
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad to be alive?
I just did and I won’t be allowed on this airline again
Me: whew, can’t wait to forget about that period of time and move on with my life
iphone featured photos: you will forget nothing
Look I wanna be friendly, but you have to introduce yourself to me 3-5 times in the wild
It’s so cute he threw in “hereby” as if it means anything.
“I hereby order the Cubs to win their next 20 games.”
Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.
*has hiccups for 30 seconds*
MY LIFE IS PURE SHIT
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
[sees a squirrel walking, not running, out of a cemetery] sweet jesus this is how it begins
I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”
I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.
Don’t mistake my habit to look down, as modesty.I have a long history of tripping on the most ridiculous things
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *opens candy wrapper*
Child: THAT BETTER NOT BE MY HALLOWEEN CANDY!!
You can tell you’re dealing with a professional by the way they carry on an entire conversation without ever taking the cigarette out of their mouth.