Who called it a baby playpen and not a crawl space?
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Whenever I hear “let me tell you the truth”, I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say “brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want.”
Time for evil
Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.
My daughter used to be afraid of the monster in her closet but like I told her, it’s the ones under your bed that you really need to worry about
*popular kid is struggling in class
*gets a tutor to help
*Kool-Aid
What happens in the microwave, stays in the microwave.
Me: Look! I took the giant box that the t.v. came in & made it into a really cool cat house!
Mom: So you’re still not dating anyone, I see.
*packs 12 books to read on vacation*
im gona read so much i cant wait
[1 wk later]
*opens suitcase*
*somhow has 16 unread books now*
wat the
Where were these Terrorists when Seth Rogen did the Green Hornet?!?!?
The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.
Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.
Alexa, make out with the Roomba
UNITED EMPLOYEE: Beat this guy up so we can take the thing he paid for.
LITERALLY THE POLICE: Okay
“Hey Siri, what’s a narcissist?”
*Siri turns on front-facing selfie cam*
“Whatever bitch, you’re just jealous”
Detective: cause of death
Coroner: too long in a sensory deprivation tank
Detective: that makes no sense
Coroner: i know what it does Dave
Who called them ghosts instead of post-existing conditions?
You and I share a very special connection.
*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.
[AA meeting]
Me: Hi, I’m Guy and I’m the Antichrist
Him: Er, did you mean you’re an alcoholic?
M: *eyes glowing red* Yes, sorry. That was just the tequila talking…
If I were a professional soccer player, I would simply pick up the ball. My opponents’ kicks would be useless as I held the ball high above my head. They would beg me to release it but I would not relent. Then, just as time expires, I would throw it into the net, sealing victory.
[On a date]
Him: I’m really into cars.
Me: [Trying to impress] oh yeah me too
Him: Oh nice! What’s your favorite kind?
Me: [Panicking] red
Limbo is the only sport where being really bad at it means you’re raising the bar.
If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.
[At a restaurant]
Me: I’m getting the chicken Caesar salad.
Husband: I think I’ll get the wings.
Me: Those don’t come with fries.
Husband: I know.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But…whose fries am I going to eat?!
Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician
I always weigh myself before I get in the shower so the water droplets don’t add additional weight. I also suck in my stomach before I get on the scale. That seems to help.
Fact: The human body is 59% water
Fact: Feta cheese is 59% water
Conclusion: The human body is feta cheese
sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too
oh frick my wife just asked me to bring 10 pages of my best “husbanding” to the living room for a review
Dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots.