@ventivodkacran: ...and the award for best lead actress in a dramatic role goes to me for "I Have A Sinus Infection, Why Don't You Care That I'm Dying"
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@TheCatWhisprer: I hate when I go to unbutton my pants because they're too tight and they're already unbuttoned.
@hammbone84: [On phone with Pizza Hut] Me: I texted my order 4 hrs ago! PH: Are you sure you didn't tweet it...again? Me: PH: Sir? Me: K. Love you. Bye.
@TheZachCozad: Can't get a girl? Rip out your rib and make your own! Critics are raving "this doesn't work" and "I'm bleeding to death".