I get knocked down, but I get…ooooh look, a fruit snack
You Might Also Like
A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this
[does ten push ups] I am a weapon
Fitness bloggers are like, “Just fill your cabinets with healthy food.” You mean my spice museums?!
Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.
Me: [going in for a hug]
Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK
Today I want to talk about how someone (the neighbor’s daughter) screamed so loudly about getting a new car (happy birthday) we thought someone was being murdered.
I’m not afraid to go to prison I really need a vacation
Judge: You have power of attorney?
Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?
Slippers made out of Lego so that when you step on Lego you just get taller.
Dora: “Swiper, no swiping!”
Swiper (on Tinder): …
i’ve decided to start saying “moopy” instead of “movie” just subtly enough that people will silently question it but will never ask. i deserve this.
My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!
Me: Impressive feet!
Someone just wished me “Happy Holidays” and I was so offended. How DARE someone assume I’d ever want to be happy.
Wife: I had a terrible night’s sleep. Tossed and turned. Couldn’t get comfortable. It’s only 6 AM and I’m in such a horrible mood already. How did you sleep?
Me [who slept 8 straight hours and didn’t get up once to pee]: Same.
The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like no, I’m not helping
When someone asks me if I can do them a “solid”, I always answer with “my pleasure” before heading to the bathroom.
Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Do you have any questions for me?”
Me: “How strong is the wifi signal in the restroom?”
Interviewer:
No you dumb uncultured idiot, just because I’m an Indian doesn’t mean I use a flying carpet to get around. I use an elephant like everyone else.
Me: puts butter on banana bread
Also me: blames weight on aging
A lizard fell on my hand as I opening the window… now I have to explain why there was a young lady screaming in my room 👀
I’ve been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.
I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.
There is a closet in my office men’s room. I have left it slightly ajar & put a clown mask in there.
Now there is piss all over the floor.
SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper
ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?
judge: do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth
me: no
judge: [covers mic] what do I do
7-year-old: *dumps her toy dinosaurs all over the floor*
Me: You can’t just leave your dinosaurs everywhere.
7-year-old: It was their planet first.
I have days when wearing a hat is the only use I have made of my head.
I made the obviously poor decision to only eat half of my burrito and now the other half won’t stop staring at me