Friend: What do your kids like to eat?
Me: Anything that is on my plate, even though it’s also on theirs.
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Me: and now turning to slide 23, in conclusion I think we can all agree that this is not the outcome we were hoping for
Widow: *taking back microphone* how did you know my husband?
Lake Erie: Great Lake name
Lake Titicaca: Greater lake name
Unless you refer to it as either a shindig or a hootenanny, I will not be attending your party.
[rap battle]
Opponent: *crushes it*
Me: Oh, I… umm. I thought this was something else… *hastily hides plastic wrap behind back*
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
Would love to comment on the scam lady but I took out student loans to get a theatre degree from a liberal arts school, so.
Dear trick-or-treaters: Would it kill you to say “thank you” when I hand you a freshly made egg salad sandwich?
[Antichrist emerging from the ground]
*looks around*
Oh, I see you’ve all been doing a good job without me.
“We no longer use straws,” he said, handing me two plastic bottles of water. “They’re bad for the environment.”
My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions
sounds kinky. i’m in.
My 16-year-old dog walked around to my side of the bed this morning & acted like he needed to go outside. As I got up, he proceeded to jump into my spot & promptly fell asleep.
Well played, old man. Well played.
COP: what do you think made Gordon Ramsay assault you?
ME: well, he said he was going to show me how to make a three bean chili and when i said a chili should have like, at least thirty beans in it, that’s when he threw the spatula at me
Girl i dated had an outside cat who really liked me & one day when i went out for a smoke there was a bird heart placed on the wall where i usually sat. Cat was scoping me to see if i liked my gift so i did that move where you pretend to eat it so she didnt think i was ungrateful
I spent a lot of my childhood worrying about wearing red clothes and being chased by cows
this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin
Summer is the perfect time to collect shells on the beach. The 20 gauge ones are especially pretty, although you can’t beat a good 45 mm.
Honestly people shouldn’t even be allowed to talk until they’re like 35 years old.
me: I really can’t stay
him: but, baby it’s-
me: *tail lights*
I won’t bore you with my problems. Because all of my problems are fascinating.
Just got a splinter from a 100 year-old bed frame and damn that MFer was really playing the long game
Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.
Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’
Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’
[joyriding in stolen Lamborghini]
HER: No way this thing does 150.
ME: Only one way to find out…
[pulls over & checks wikipedia]
Tweezers? Razor? Oh, hell no! By the time this is over, I’m going to need new shears and a lawn mower.
Animals…..
Hey what are you looking at don’t you have anything better to do it’s only an panda having a nice bath ok…..😏😉
do weddings actually cost like $50,000 or is everyone lying for fun
Husband: Are we going to start eating healthier?
Me: Absolutely!
Husband: So burgers and fries for dinner tonight?
Me: Absolutely!
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
Witch 1: *crying* the doctor said I can’t have kids
Witch 2: oh no, why?
Witch 1: I need to watch my cholesterol