Everyday is talk like a pirate day if you’re committed and annoying enough
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Mom (on phone): your uncle had a heart attack. he was playing tag with his grandkids
Me: oh no
Mom: it was a little touch and go for a while
Me: are you seriously explaining tag to me right now
My nephew Lyle just explained to me the “F” in “F Bomb” stands for “friendship.”
F Bombs for everyone! 😃
hey I just met you
and this is crazy
but I’m going to argue with another stranger in your mentions
for hours maybe
Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet
Me: *struggling to focus on my yoga pose*
Cockroach: *crawls out of my yoga mat toward the instructor*
It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.
[house hunting]
Loved that one. Great price & the owner seemed trustworthy
HER: It was next to a sewage plant & he had three eyepatches on
Me at 12: I can’t wait to be an adult so I can buy whatever I want with my money.
Me at 36: If I wait until it goes on sale and use my coupon, I can buy scented trash bags.
a massage is not enough I need to be rolled through a pasta machine
*drunkenly sliding down telephone pole wearing oven mitts*
Cop: Sir? May I ask you what you’re doing?
I’m a sexy fireman, rawr.
Sometimes I feel bad for yelling at my kids, but then I remember that some animals eat their kids and I don’t feel so bad anymore.
Thank God I wasn’t on twitter when I was in college. It would’ve taken me 65 years to get my degree.
My current wife doesn’t like my use of adjectives
Sex with me is like eating spaghetti with a spoon.
went to the beach and pissed on a jellyfish before it had chance to sting me
chiropractor cracked my back and now im glowing
The first rule of Minecraft club, is we do not talk about anything other than Minecraft!!
8-12yo’s apparently
Priest: Body of Christ..
Gordon Ramsay: Dry.
Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough
*Bites werewolf*
Me: At every sunrise you will transform into middle management.
Werewolf: No!
Me: And you will go to bed at a reasonable time…EVERY NIGHT.
Why’s it called landing a husband? Are single men floating just above me like airplanes, and does getting engaged require an air traffic control certification
“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.
My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk.
Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway.
I’m in pretty decent shape for a dude who was in a serious car accident and spent the last six weeks recovering in a hospital bed. That didn’t happen to me–it’s just a good yardstick for the kind of shape I’m in.
Just remembered this meme I made back in May of 2020.
It must be very traumatic for my wife to be at work knowing I’m home alone getting bread crumbs on the kitchen counter.
Let’s pray for her.
Me: sorry I rode a giraffe to your grandmas funeral
Friend: what? that’s not a giraffe
Me: sorry I’m on drugs at your grandmas funeral
ME: stay away from the cat
MY DOG: perhaps this time will be
d i f f e r e n tME: ur gonna get scratched again
MY DOG: [approaching cat anyway] brøther. brøther i crave the ꜰᴏʀʙɪᴅᴅᴇɴ ᴄᴜᴅᴅʟᴇꜱ.
When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.
Sure childbirth can be painful but have you ever tried shaving your knees with a fresh razor?