Before I get busy doing nothing, I am taking a 20 minute break.
You Might Also Like
Me: Who will I share the sunset with now?! *sobs*
Friend: Bad breakup?
Me: No. *wipes tears* My Instagram isn’t working.
“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”
I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.
Confidence is important.
Because wishy-washy just will not get you a prescription for the good drugs.
Hollywood sets impossible standards we can never live up to. Not even once have I saved people from dinosaurs with my knowledge of Unix.
Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.
Roses are red,
Bumble bees buzz,
This rhyme doesn’t rhyme,
No, wait, yes it does.
Cop: where ya headed?
“the gym”
Cop: im gonna save you a lot of embarrassment and arrest you
“thank you so much, officer”
One time in like 2014, Lauren Conrad tweeted “What’s my favourite position? CEO.” And I remember thinking that she ate, I was like yeah, that’s my girl
I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.
“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years
Infomercial Host: Who wants to fix their chronic acne problem?
Audience: *clapping*
Host: Sir, are you leaving?
Wile E. Coyote: *shuffling out on broken rocket skates* I misread the flyer
yesterday at the mall a woman asked for my opinion between two men’s shirts and immediately went to check out with the one i didn’t choose
You know you’re getting older when the person telling you to slow down is you’re doctor, not a cop.
I don’t drink alcohol, I drink spirits.
I’m not an alcoholic, I am spiritual.
Saw the eye doctor, and that’s 90% of the vision test right there.
Getting a neck tattoo is probably the coolest way to show your love for manual labour.
Homeschooling update day 3:
Me: *Googles mortality rates for homeschooling parents*
Dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots.
I just literally fell INSIDE a public toilet because I did too many squats earlier and couldn’t control my sitting down. This is the greatest proof I’ve ever had that fitness is not worth the struggle.
A tall guy in movie theater just sat in front of me and he’s on a date so he’s going to have good posture the whole time this sucks
teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number
me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that
Instead of onlyfans I spend all my money on onlyfood
you stereotypes are all alike
Wife: You knew when we met that my job would preclude me from having children.
Me: Why? You can still investigate deaths when you’re pregnant.
Wife: Nobody puts baby in the coroner.
me: alexa
alexa: that name was a fiction to hide my true identity, alizarin the demon god of fear and-
me: is it okay to microwave glass
alexa: for how long
Are you having a nice Tuesday or did your daughter remember this morning that she volunteered to bring 150 baby carrots to school today?
If someone asks what you are doing on Halloween, earnestly look at the sky & say “I will be reaching my final form.”
Nice romantic weekend with the husband.
Me: Babe I just took my sleeping pill you have about 15 minutes to get some.
Husband: My stomach is bothering me from dinner.
Me: Ok goodnight
*reading* 160 calories *thinking* Let me break it down to see how much I should eat. *reading and thinking* The can is 14.2 ounces, the serving size is 245 grams and the servings per container are about 3.
And we wonder why America is getting fat.
MATH
My car was vandalized by a peacock. I wish I was making this up.