If you date someone working for the federal government and then break up, does he become FedEx? #oksorry
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[at a party]
Host: may I take your coat?
Me: nah I’ll be needing that in about 10 minutes
Meteorologist: According to our facts, we’ll have a longer winter-
People: LET THE GROUNDHOG DECIDE
Meterologist: But science
People: NO
coming to theaters soon: Dawn of the Rise of the Dawn of the Planet of the Rise of the Rise of the Dawn of the Apes
Today’s assignment:
Walk up to people with a manila envelope and ask them “Have you seen this person?” and pull out a picture of yourself
“Well maybe they shouldn’t make soap out of animal fat if they didn’t want people to eat it!” I yell from the emergency room, mouth foaming
i will avenge u mr van gogh
I’m no blood spatter expert, but by the look of this bathroom floor, you’re pulling your tampons out way too fast.
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
— Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
If you have a choice between ugly or fat, remember this.
You can turn the lights out on ugly, but you can always feel the fat in the dark.
Yesterday my daughter asked how babies are made, and I gave such a terrible explanation she now thinks babies come from eggs.
Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake
Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.
Bear Grylls: *waits impatiently for NASA’s call*
My toddler thought the moon was beautiful tonight. So beautiful that he wanted to give it a hug. Proving once again that kids are incredibly sweet.
And so so dumb.
Tall people everywhere want you stop asking them if they play basketball:
My kid at 8am: Mommy!
Me: Yes, my love?My kid at 8pm: Mommy!
Me: WHAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTT NOWWWWW?!
“Please let go of my hair”
-my gynaecologist
Zumba instructor: I’m thinking of teaching yoga too.
Me, the current yoga instructor: Namaste in your lane, Chandie.
How I read news articles:
1. Read the headline
2. Go directly to the comment section
3. Have a meltdown
Banderslack Clamberdorch
It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.
I have a dog to make sure that the noises in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those noises.
ASK NOT WHAT YOUR COUNTRY CAN DO FOR YOU
ASK IF YOUR COUNTRY IS THE REASON YOU CAN’T LOOK AT YOUR NEWSFEED WITHOUT SCREAMING IN TONGUES
Me: I feel like I look cute today.
Target self-checkout video: EIGHTY-SEVEN YEAR OLD WITCH.
Ever hate someone so much you decide to start eating healthy just so you can watch them die first?
Can you rent a shark? It’s time sensitive
Friend was telling me a story of how she made her parents drive around to 4 different places looking for a hot dog “with skin”. They kept trying to explain that they all have skin. Turns out what she wanted was a corn dog.
GUY: I dare you
ME: no
G: I double dog dare you
ME: no
G: I TRIPLE dog dare you!
ME: [realizing if I keep this up ill get a lot of dogs] no
My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.