If I go in my purse and pull out items solely by shape, I never know if it’s gonna be a pen, a tampon, or a stick of beef jerky.
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this kid in kindergarten used to make fun of me all the time, then one day I couldn’t take it anymore so I ate all of his crayons while he was watching. I was so happy when he cried but I kinda regret it cause I ended up losing my teaching job
*alarm goes off* me: how much do I really NEED this job?
I should probably just learn a skill instead of waiting around for a malevolent spirit to take over my consciousness or whatever.
Amazon Prime: can I take your order
Megatron: hi, I’d like… omg
Amazon Prime: *horrified* oh no
Megatron: YOU ARE Amazon Prime lol
Amazon Prime: *holding back tears* it’s just a job
Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.
Kim Kardashian turns 40 & gets a hologram dad greeting but all I got when I turned 40 was sciatic pain & my pop saying “that’s your mom’s side of the family”
I want my toddler to be independent but I also want this banana peeled before I die.
What if aliens watch our movies about aliens and then invade accordingly in hopes of fitting in with our culture?
Danny Devito’s full name is Daniel DeTotototototo.
*returns copy of “how to stop procrastinating” at high school reunion*
Him: *seeing my apartment for the first time* I see you’re kind of a minimalist
Me: yes that is correct, I am very poor
[in the bedroom]
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: whoops my bad
HER: and in my eye
ME: sorry I can’t control it
HER: have you ever painted before
Two hundred dollars for a women’s blazer?? Am I paying it to do the work for me??
Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…
Artificial intelligence is gonna be so pissed when it finds out about depression
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
*checks kid’s backpack*
*finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*
*zips backpack and walks away*
Netflix announces price hike where you still pay $5.99 a month even if you don’t have an account.
I wonder if dogs get embarrassed when they have to stand that way and shit in front of everybody. I know I do.
I could be in a store desperately looking for gauze to treat a knife wound and I’d still tell a clerk that approached me I was just browsing
So guy walks up to me and puts his fist out for a bump and somehow I reach out, grab it and shake slightly.
If you need me I’ll be behind hiding my couch forever..
[making dinner]
Him, annoyed: it’s like you’re not listening to me
Me: *turns on the faucet, starts the dishwasher, pulses the blender* I have no idea what you’re talking about
tried to stop my dog from swallowing a hammer but it was tool ate
You don’t need flavored coffee. It already has a flavor. Coffee.
sorrey im bad with names. im also bad with faces,, i put my grandma in a headlock, thinking she was the kid that stole my bike in 3rd grade
[sees cute girl jog by]
“Imma run up and ask her out”
[one block later still not caught up]
“Ok, wow, we probably weren’t soul mates anyway”
My 6 year old just said that if she likes her husband she’ll take his last name, but if she doesn’t like him he’ll have to take her last name. Sounds fair to me.
I walked into a gas station & a woman handed me a free slice of pizza
Either Iowa is the nicest state in America or I’ve just been poisoned
watching pre pandemic television during the pandemic
I like how “two” is spelled a little strangely so you’re prepared early on for how insane “eight” is going to be.