[First date]
Her: i’m a criminal lawyer, what do you do?
Me: really, well it just so happens that I… (trying to impress her) …am a criminal
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An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.
I want to rub myself all over you like a dog rolling in a dead raccoon.
ME: Why are my eyes itchy?
WebMD: Eye bees
me: but jesus, I noticed that during the most troublesome times of my life there was only one set of footprints
jesus: (takes hit off vape) that was when you were being super sketch bro, like major vibe killer kind of behavior from you
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
I could never give up my dog, he knows too much
“You can’t stand there.”
“Not there, either.”
“Nope that spot’s taken, too.”-Ground hogs
Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji
Recently, I’ve been politely refusing all invitations with, “I’d rather drink my own blood.”
Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.
My super power is getting hungry as soon as someone says the food won’t be ready for two hours.
Dear autocorrect,
I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.
Quit your shit.
I’m Irish which is kinda like being Sith, if I’m mad you can feel my hatred from anywhere in the galaxy
My husband took 18 to a music festival and just texted me that he was “going in the mosh pit” and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I don’t think they call it that anymore and also he’s 49 and probably won’t survive that.
We told Grandpa that we were worried about him being quarantined alone with his bad hip and failing eyesight, but he told us not to worry because he’d gotten himself a dog.
Nothing warms the heart like seeing the tail lights of your houseguests.
If he says “you’re 1 in a million” it means he either has no knowledge of the world population or he thinks there are 7000 people like you
“Stop hitting me.”
-Rock bottom.
I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.
INVENTOR OF SOUP: [holding water in one hand and sandwich in the other] wat if… wat if water was mor like sandwich
When your boss says “You need help”, he never means a hitman.
🤣could you imagine
No thanks, Downward dog.
I’m already busy with Downward spiral.
Father O’Malley answers the phone. ‘Hello, is this Father O’Malley?’
‘It is!’
‘This is the IRS. Can you help us?’
‘I can!’
‘Do you know a Ted Houlihan?’
‘I do!’
‘Is he a member of your congregation?’
‘He is!’
‘Did he donate $10,000 to the church?’
‘He will.’
Hipster sushi restaurants only serve eye rolls.
I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?
I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon
[stays up all night examining my issues and identifying which descriptors best express my feelings of dysregulation]
the second i get to therapy:
idk I just feel blah