“and this blood shall be called A+”
all the other blood types: “k wow we’re like right here”
You Might Also Like
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work
If zombies ever attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership
i was having a panic attack and my friend suggested holding a rose quartz so i stopped panicking and just got angry
Any man that dates me better have my beer ready when I get home like my cats do
Luke, I am your father. Man you should see your face right now. It’s all like waaaaaat no way.
And that’s why you clean your room, kids.
No matter what country they’re in ducks always have the same quaccent.
*shakes the internet like a magic 8-ball* What am I mad about today?
What is Iron Man without his suit?
Stark naked.
It’s almost like those two bowls of chili made me sleepy
Girls take a picture of their legs in a bubble bath and say “guess where I am”
The library?
[Barber holding a mirror showing me the back of my neck] nope, no good, please start over
Anytime a young person makes me watch a Tik Tok I don’t like, I make them watch a full season of Frasier on DVD
she’s going to make a soup or a hearthy stew perhaps
Instead of saying I agree 100%, I like to say I agree 80%, just to leave myself a little wiggle room in case your theory turns out retarded.
If you only see two signs about a raccoon room today, make it these two.
FAMILY MEETING!
And, just like that, dad had the whole house to himself…
[date]
“don’t let her know ur from twitter”
Her: whats wrong?
Me: This fork only has 3 prongs
Her: So?
Me: it should be called a threek
WARNING: Local youths in the park are asking passers-by to audition for the remake of Aquaman. DON’T DO IT. They filmed my audition and posted it on youtube under the title, “We tricked this guy to climb into the park fountain”. I AM 99% SURE THEY ARE NOT REAL HOLLYWOOD PRODUCERS
ME: Guess who was just promoted to be the new CEO!
COWORKER: Amanda.
ME: Why would you assume it’s a man?
Look, I’m just saying it might be financially viable to use rice cakes instead of spray foam insulation
Sorry I disappeared from our zoom
I fell off my chair trying to shake a spider off my shoe
On my first day of lifeguard duty two people drowned but I won two games of Words with Friends so it was kind of a wash.
Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.
Have some fun with your life: before practicing your Kegals in a supermarket line, insert a squeaky toy and watch for people’s reactions
The Fast and the Furious.
– Me, not eating after 6:00 pm for my morning blood work 😠.
Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.
“Are we there yet?”
“ Ha ha! Yes, kids. We’ve been here the whole time! We live in this car now.”
I’ve been inventing problems to hide the fact that I spend all my time on twitter. But it’s cool because now my kid thinks I know how to fix the leaky drip tray on the piano and can properly set a fallen eagle’s broken wing.
Making a wreath of all my kids’ lost teeth to hang on my door to ward off solicitors.