“…and this is my beautiful boy, Jason.”
Coworker: Jason, huh? Where’d u get a name like that?
Boss: Jafather, can I see u in my office?
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*me trying to bond with my 30 year old male coworkers* ah yes, i also had a brutal leg day, i woke up again with legs
Pals I’m DYING I just met a lady at the market with a corgi and apparently she tells all the tourists that it’s one of the queens dogs because Andrew was too busy to keep them all so she’s got like a queue of tourists taking photos with her dog this is *hilarious*
WIFE: I just read that men are five times more likely to be struck by lightning than women.
ME *on the roof in my He-Man costume with my sword* BY THE POWER OF GRAYSKULL WHAT HONEY?
me: i lost my luggage.
airport worker: did you carry on?
me: *sigh* how can i?
Did give Husband a haircut after three cocktails, but he thinks it looks great because three cocktails.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
True
Good luck to all of the parents whose kids will be eating their Easter candy and won’t be going to bed until Tuesday night.
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
The best part of running at 5am is the irrational, adult fear of zombies to keep you going.
My young nephew said that people with glasses should only be able to marry other people with glasses. He’s like a tiny Republican senator.
I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.
I secretly gave our Waffle House waitress a $100 tip and my family can’t figure out why she’s crying & hugging me & trying to get in our car
[first date]
HER: I like a man who can show his true feelings.
ME: *leans in close* I don’t care what you like.
My wife and I are sitting on the couch watching tv and I hear a text, realizing I left my phone in the kitchen, I get up, go to the kitchen to check it…
and its a text from my wife:
Please bring the chips on your way back
valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao
Why do they call her “Grumpy Cat” and not “Sourpuss?”
*Cocks Gun* ” Any last requests?”
“Yes, do not shoot me with that gun.”
“Oh you!! Ya got me go ahead get outta here”!
Nothing better than corn-flavored…corn.
When people start their sentence with the word ‘Listen’ I think maybe they don’t understand how conversations work.
u guys got any snacks onboard here
Me to my dog: Stop barking now.
My dog: BUT EVERYTHING IS A FOX!
Me: It’s ok.
Dog: I WILL PROTECT YOU, IDIOT!
Superman: I hate your Bat Cave! I can’t get cell service
Batman: Your carrier sucks
Superman: Oh yeah, who do you use?
Batman: Bat Mobile
[onboard the titanic sinking] oh no i just ate
Vandalism should be allowed on any vehicle who’s alarm has been going off for more than 5 minutes.
movies gotta warn me if they’re a part 1, before i’m in the theater. I just got jump scared by “to be continued” screens twice in one week (Fast X and Spiderverse).
i’m a 37 year old man and and i need emotional closure in my movies, i don’t have time to be cliffhanged
Putting lotion on your hands and picking up your coffee cup is pretty damn stupid.
A local business in my town has an open carry discount. As in, you show them a gun to save money. Doesn’t that discount apply everywhere?
Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”
Lois: “I saw Batman yesterday. He’s put on a lot of weight”
Clark: *lowers glasses* “More like Fat-
Lois: “Oh my god it’s Superman”