And this song would come on and all the white people would start having a group seizure.
Me explaining the Harlem shake to my grand kids.
You Might Also Like
You guys know that there are things higher than kites, right?
me the second I feel that first breeze of autumn
Unknown number calls and expects me to talk first, welcome to breathing competition.
sleeper makes drafting your fantasy team easy👇
me: man, this is great! I only wish I’d taken up deadlifting sooner
Funeral Home Director: please leave.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
I have nothing positive to report.
Except that roadside drug test.
I eat oatmeal in the morning to help my cholesterol. I eat cheese for the rest of the day because I ate oatmeal in the morning.
Sometimes, I look at the kids of today and think, “Thank god I’ll be dead by the time you grow up.”
Why spend thousands on college when you can just walk into a dense fog and re-emerge years later with glowing eyes and an unfathomable growth in human intelligence?
On the plus side, I don’t think anyone will ever again use the term “staycation.”
*birds dress Cinderella for school*
*gets to school, goes into bathroom*
*buncha rabid squirrels gather and re-dress her in goth shit*
“You made your bed now lay in it” doesn’t really sound like a punishment to me. I love laying in a freshly made bed.
And other 5am thoughts
Joined our neighborhood watch program. There’s 30 of us though so I only get to wear it like 1 day a month. 🙁
Yoga Instructor: This is Warrior pose
Me:*Sitting down, eating a cheeseburger
YI:
Me:*chewing
I’m a Warrior who just slayed a McDonaldite
Watched a nature documentary with my daughter and as the hungry polar bear approached the abandoned seal pup she said, “Oh, good, the polar bear is going to help her!” and sometimes I really wish I saw the world like a 12 y/o.
I’m like if a scented trash bag was a person.
(looking up from my book) only a couple words in and already i know i’m gonna like this book. this dickens guy immediately establishes that it was the best of times. people used to write about that kind of thing, just good guys having a nice time. (i turn back to the book) f***!
her: why are u breaking up with me
me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
The most disturbing thing about accidentally waking up at 4 a.m. is realizing some people do this on purpose so they can exercise.
May god have mercy on the soul of the person who takes this job
When I picked up my 5yo from school, she had on a construction paper hat that she made. I asked if it was a jellyfish. The joy in her eyes slowly turned into disappointment, “it’s a spider!” I failed her.
One of my biggest fears during a zombie apocalypse is having to sleep without a fan
“When are you due?”
Insulted, she flashes me a glare and relocates to another seat.
My eyes stay fixed on the library book she left behind.
My Mom keeps warning me about talking to strangers on the Internet.
I’m 34 now Mom. I don’t talk to them. I sleep with them.
I had to stop food journaling when the potato numbers started rolling in.
*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*
Cashier: “Are you moving?”
Me: “No, why?”
You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can’t keep your leggings out of its toe
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.