“And to my son Ronald, I leave my entire collection of mint-condition, never-been-opened LinkedIn Updates emails.”
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Hot people celebrate the new year in nightgowns and caps with tiny candles on plates & retire to their chambers at exactly 10 PM so they can go “honk shoo, honk shoo, mi-mi-mi-mi.” All hot people do this.
Allow me to introduce you to the most ridiculous yet amazing thing you will see this week.
[landlord showing new tenant around]
“No smoking allowed”
“How about pets?”
“That’s fine”
[dog walks in and lights up]
“We’ll take it”
Hi, Id like to buy a Nutri-Bullet, pls.
Salesperson: Ah, nice. Off on a cleanse or health kick?
Yes. *imagines drinking lasagna* For sure.
[goes back to Target just for the things I forgot]
cashier: that’ll be $337.48 and can you describe the children
When my 7yo was 5 she found a cape in my drawer. I told her I was a superhero and to keep it a secret. At random she would whisper “I know your secret” and it would freak me out, how much does this kid know!? Then I would remember the cape incident.
I’m pretty bad at math until someone orders mozzarella sticks for the table.
[inside a tornado]
Dad: wind’s really pickin up
I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.
Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house
Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates
Calling giving something up Lent makes perfect sense because most of the things I’ve lent over the years have never come back.
My roommate thinks our house is haunted but in the 182 years I’ve lived here I’ve not encountered any problems 🤷🏻♀️
My cat hissing at an empty chair is why I sleep in the attic.
My son was loudly barking like a dog in the other room and I told my husband to go take care of it and now there’s 2 people loudly barking like dogs.
Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad
“I’ll have a caramel macchiato, hold the espresso & milk.”
“Miss, that’s just a cup of caramel sauce.”
“You heard me.”
Do you like Taco Bell? Then you’ll LOVE real food!
Running from your problems is cardio .
” I made my famous dip for the office party”
You’re a regular Abe Lincoln.
“But he wasn’t a chef”
Exactly
hitman: clearly you can’t afford my rates so i’m referring you over to my partner
hit or missman: i guarantee that i will either kill the target or get you sent directly to jail
Me: Okay, 5yo, are you ready for your morning math lesson?
5yo: Hold on. Let me get my laser gun.
Me:
We need tire spike strips installed for those idiots who can’t follow the big arrows and drive the wrong way down parking lot isles.
They’ll remember what those arrows mean next time.
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
I think my neighbor is trying to domesticate a coyote.
I forgot the word for confessional booth so I said catholic shame box
I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.
“I got up at 4 am so I could bite my mom and eat a frog and pee on the floor right after I peed outside”
Of course I’m English.
I’m the retard convict cousin you shipped off to Australia back in the day.
*watching an old Lassie show
Me: How come you can’t do those things?
Dog (mutters): If we had a well I’d push you into it.
him: can you pour me a glass of wine
me: there’s only enough left for me
him: there’s a whole bottle
me: yes