i’m almost fully convinced that the people who design jeans have never actually seen a human body
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No, YOU ploughed your car into your garage door because it was icy/you weren’t paying attention/whatever excuse is gonna get me out of trouble
Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.
broke: animals can’t go to heaven because they don’t wait til marriage to have sex
woke: u can teach a parrot to say the sinner’s prayer, parrots will be in heaven, parrots everywhere
girls literally only want one thing..
Frogs always look like they just found out there’s no free Wi-Fi.
Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.
The man that loves to eat on a lounger by the pool is a manipooleater
With 8 coupons I watched my grocery bill go from $301.57 to $299.37. Man, what a rush.
Well well well. If it isn’t my old nemesis, 2:34AM.
And I see you brought your little sidekick, Parade of Humiliating Moments.
Cop: GET DOWN ON THE GROUND
Me: I didn’t do…
Cop:*cuffing me* Dispatch, we have a creepy clown in custody
Me: These are my regular clothes
Dumbo is a flying mammal and therefore a bat.
Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths
Old people always be like “wow you’ve put on some weight since I last saw you” in front of everybody.
Cutting Crew: I just died in your arms tonight. Must’ve been something you said…
Me: *closing book of spells* Oh shit! Oh shit! Oh shit!
Guess who doesn’t want to hear your kid sing? Everyone. The answer is everyone, so stop it.
Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny
My husband says how much he loves my cooking by having poison control on speed dial.
GENIE: You have three wishes.
ME: I wish I had a million dollars.
GENIE: Granted. You had a million dollars.
Weird how the paranormal investigators always assume the ghosts speak English.
My dad.
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet baby girl
2: *starts crying* These are my only feet!
Hello everyone, this is your captain speaking. The plane’s going down. Look, stop screaming, that’s not going to make me a better pilot
If you’re an adorable old person in a romcom, you’ve got a massive target on your back
Wife texts husband ‘Windows frozen’, husband texts wife ‘try bucket of warm water’, wife texts husband ‘computer not working at all now’
6yo: Your hair looks pretty every day.
Me: Well, thanks.
6yo: Can I have some chips?
If anyone deserves an Oscar, it’s me for nodding and pretending to understand the directions you’re explaining to me when I know I’m going to use Google Maps regardless
Letting your friend have the last mozzarella stick is the ultimate snackrifice
Hear me out: Spray-on wrapping paper.
My husband thought that it was funny to add his name to the bottom of my to-do list, but the joke’s on him because I’m only doing 1 chore a day in the order that I wrote them and he’s number 26.
I’ve been teaching my daughter to sneak candy into the theater, like any good parent would, but when she pulled a pack of deli ham out of her bag I realized I’ve created a monster