And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
~ The Okra Show
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Get yourself a girl who can help you destroy evidence and lie under oath.
My Face ID only recognizes me if I’m chewing now.
I use italics as a form of revenge. Being a writer has ruined my posture, so I’m going to do the same to these words.
Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.
Sorry I said, “Whoa, hope he’s good at math.” when you showed me your kid’s finger painting.
what if waldo was in the witness protection program and the books are just a way for the mafia to find him?
If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂
Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?
“I’d like to make a toast.”
– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family
Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place
BULLY: lol as if you’ve got a date for prom
ME: uh yes, actually, I have
BULLY: Damn
ME *confidently smooths down shirt* It’s May 23rd. I’ll be going alone
Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
My boyfriend is taking me to a Spanish restaurant for dinner, I’m kind of scared, I don’t speak Spanish, how will I know not to order dog
Wearing a mask had been helpful as I’ve forgotten where I packed my nose hair trimmer.
Wait, Omicron isn’t the latest crypto currency?
The pizza guy just said “see u tomorrow”
Maybe I eat too much pizza …
mom: Do you need us to bring anything tomorrow?
me: Pumpkin pie
mom: Anything else?
me: Turkey
mom
me: Stuffing
mom
me: Plates
Do you think in a parallel universe they just call it parking?
Thoughts and prayers for my dog. The mail carrier showed up today like she does everyday.
“Why the hell wooden I be?”
– Pinocchio
I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks
Once broke up with a girl cuz I didn’t like the way she agreed with me
The Magician told me to “Pick a card!! Any card!!”
So I took his Visa
Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.
The best sandwich I ever had was roast beef and brie at the Museum of Natural History cafe. It’s a memory that gets me through the tough sandwiches.
You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can’t keep your leggings out of its toe
Arkansas was named when a pirate tried to spell Kansas
Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond
Claiming that someone else’s marriage is against ur religion is like being angry at someone for eating a donut because ur on a diet.
Lonely? Just glue a coffee cup to the roof of your car. Everyone will wave to you.