Anderson Cooper: “the Arizona wildfire is flaming out of control.”
Arizona Wildfire: “Wow, isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black.”
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I do my best parenting lying down (allowing my kids to sleep in the bed with me so they don’t come in and wake me up at 5 am)
Ate an entire pool noodle all by myself.
Ain’t gonna lie. Growing up, I thought Bermuda triangle is gonna be a bigger problem than it turned out to be.
This donut scented car air freshener is going to pay for itself next time I get pulled over.
Let’s be honest, a forced 2 week quarantine will be the only way we’ll ever actually finish the laundry.
account balance: $1400
me at wendy’s: show me the square cows
If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.
can’t = can not
don’t = do not
won’t = wo notdo not @ me i wo not answer
Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.
Conjunctivitis implies the existence of projunctivitis.
[bar]
CUSTOMER: Barman
BARMAN: Sir?
C: This beer tastes like piss
[further down the bar]
BEAR GRYLLS: I’ll have what he’s having
[first day as a real estate agent]
me: as you can see this is a beautiful house
client: how many floors does it have
me: *scratching head* um a lot I think there’s one in every room
One day she says “Treat me like a princess,” the next she’s pissed that I married her off in exchange for an alliance with Spain. Women…
Interviewer: can I get you anything?
Me: yea a job
Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping
this sky deity is putting off some real “nah, I’m good” energy
So there I was standing in an art gallery quietly appreciating the work when my ex noticed me at a display and decided to approach.
She said “I suppose you like this hideous monstrosity?”
And I said, “That’s a mirror”.
Which was nice.
Went to HR to complain about my coworkers but my mom said she can’t fire my kids
Sperm 1: “Geez I’m exhausted, how much further to the Fallopian tubes?”
Sperm 2: “A long way, we’ve just passed the tonsils…”
#ImFeelingGoodAbout myself
[after a date getting dropped off at my gingerbread house]
me: I’d invite you upstairs but I recently ate my furniture
oh that’s just my emotional support rolled up carpet in the trunk, officer
A choir of Spring onions
Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂
Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician
TRUMP: Hillary won’t stand up to America’s enemies. I will.
*Gets into fights with Miss Universe, Gold Star family, and a baby*
Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food
Me: … No worries!
Narrator: There were, in fact, many worries.
I’ve never been to a tailgate party, but I once hung out with my grandma and her friends in the bingo parking lot for 30 minutes.
Relationship status: If my husband is running his fingers through my hair, it’s to retrieve food.