Before gunpowder, entire wars were fought with nothing but pinecones and latent rage.
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Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person
Wife: Could you be dehydrated?
Me: Of course not.
W: How much water have you had?
Me: Two coffees & a bourbon.
W: Wow.
Me: Told you.
I think I just went to third base with a jelly doughnut.
Got my twins a bunk bed so now I can worry about two kids falling at once.
[reading Harry Potter]
Me: Do you know what’s going on?
3-year-old: He went to lizard school.
I’d correct her, but her version is better.
I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.
I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.
When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
when i don’t respond right away: i’m busy, they’ll understand
when someone takes more than three minutes to respond to me: wow ok judas
*At the bar
Me)Is this seat taken?
Woman)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s OK, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
Day 22 of quarantine and I’ve turned my living room into a nudist colony. The kids hate it but I’ve finally obtained some privacy
The Untrained Meteorologist is a classic
🤣🤣🤣🤣
If you’re havin AutoCorrect problems I feel bad for you son. I got 99 parabolas bit s butch Saint omg.
[my head is bleeding]
HIM: Have u seen a doctor???
ME: Buddy, I’ve seen several. Let me tell u about a little show called Grey’s Anatomy…
If you think your microwave collecting data and the TV spying on you is bad enough…
The vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.
*pounding on Sunday’s still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME
Sorry you heard me going through your medicine cabinet. I was trying to be quiet.
Friends are like snowflakes.
If you pee on them they disappear.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Don’t talk to the cashier get your shit and move on. If you need someone to talk too get a parrot
I pretend I have a “tax guy” because I’m a very busy businessman and not because I’m an idiot who won’t follow instructions
When I go “Commando” I carry around a big machine gun & speak with an Austrian accent while I track down my daughter’s kidnappers.
I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.
5yo: dad, do you control your emotions or do your emotions control you?
Me: come on man it‘s the weekend
“Steak and Shake” great burgers and also a good way to kill baby vampires.
Confidence is important.
Because wishy-washy just will not get you a prescription for the good drugs.
I maintain neutrality in any situation by remaining clueless.
I’m not saying you’ve had too much Botox, it’s just that you should still be able to shrug your shoulders
Suck it losers, I just bought an autographed picture of Jesus for two grand.
Hello. I am Public Restroom. Would you like some toilet paper that melts in the palm of your hand? Here, have some empty soap, my child.
when was the last time we checked in on the guy from Snow Patrol. is he still layin there