Angel: hey God the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
You Might Also Like
Me: What does that cloud look like to you?
3-year-old: A cloud.
Me: No, what do you imagine it could be?
3-year-old: Rain.
“Nothing from my side, thanks” – My wedding vows
*pulls all the hair out of my brush and places it all over my dog*
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
i love it when my pets sigh like what ails you my little unemployed freeloader
If you love something set it free. If it comes back, celebrate with some delicious tacos. If it doesn’t that’s twice the tacos for you.
[mustard company office]
*phone rings*
“Yellow”
[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here
*spills wine on Ouija board*
OUIJA: *moving pointer by itself* H-E-Y S-S-E-X-Y D-Y-O-O-U-W-W-A-N-N-A M-A-K-E O-U-T
ME: *moves pointer to NO*
My ex sexually identifies with Ramen noodles, he’s done in 3 minutes
[Driving]
HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!
ME: Jealous?
If you call the coffee mugs by your bed “a collection”, you never have to take them to the sink
I am dedicated. I go to the gym every day, and I’ve kept my sea monkeys alive for 12 years.
me, speaking to my daughter’s class on the importance of eating your vitamins: one time i got lost in the forest for so long i dropped dead & a sheepdog ate my carcass.
some smart aleck kid: if you died then how are you here right now?
me: {i look him square in the eyes} vitamins
I was 16 when I first saw a dream-catcher, but back then everyone called them school careers advisors
Stay humble, you are someone’s weird coworker.
“sorry you are currently offline” is my new go-to response when my family wants something
I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…
I made my bed and found a half eaten stick of butter in it. When I asked my child if she put anything in mommy’s bed, she said “I did not put butter in it.” The mystery continues. More at 11.
There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body and some people manage to get on every one.
priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate
groom: can you please stop saying that
When you meet a flat-earther in real life don’t bother arguing. You need to immediately outcrazy that shit. “Don’t tell me you believe in ‘Earth,’” you’ll demand.
A wise man once said if you understand why pizza is round, placed in a square box, and eaten as a triangle you will also understand falling victim to reading a long meaningless tweet and then share it in hopes of making someone else a victim of the tweeters cruel game.
My 1 year old kept saying “I lug ya” and I was so excited until I realized he was trying to say “alexa” not “I love you”
Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?
Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?
Hell hath no fury like this woman attempting to type “scorned” and having it autocorrected to “scrotum” 13 times in a row.
BF overheard me listening to the “Thank U, Next” video and asked “Is she saying ‘bacon, eggs’?” so that is how I will be singing this song from now on, thank you.
my kid: cries cause youtube went down and he can’t watch gamer vids
me: chill out omg. The internet isn’t life.
Also me: TWITTER WTF IS THIS RETWEET QUOTE CRAP?!! I CANT LIVE LIKE THIS.
Bring your sick kid to business meetings and watch how fast people get to the point.