angel: they seem to be doing well
God: give them more diseases
angel: is that really necess-
God: and social anxiety and kill a gorilla
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I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.
*Riding around with my Abraham Lincoln clone*
Lincoln: *spots a “Children At Play” sign* WE HAVE TO SAVE THEM
Guys, my heart is broken. Utterly broken.
I’ve been married more than 10 years. A whole decade and I guess even that’s not enough to fully know a person
I came home early today from work to surprise my wife. I opened the door and walked in on her watching “twilight” on Netflix
I live in fear that one day the real “World’s Greatest Dad” is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.
Young man cashier: Ma’am, if you don’t mind me saying, you have really beautiful eyes.
What I heard: Ma’am
me: i’ll have the mouse for dessert
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: hmm, that’ll be too much
I forgot my therapist’s name so I just call him Dude
Sometimes I’m sandpaper and sometimes I’m chapstick and sometimes I’m bad at metaphors.
“Ever wonder why Rice Krispies costs the same as quieter cereals?”
why would-
“It’s because they’re sold by weight-“
Dan, NO
“not by volume”
ME: i’m gonna join the army
HEAD SURGEON: we say reattach the humerus
Apparently the hardest part of exercising is keeping that shit to yourself.
[entering wrong password] sorry it was dark and you looked like my actual password
ME: may I speak to the chef please? Today’s repast was magnifiqué
MCDONALD’S CASHIER: what
Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”
rroses are red,
violets are blue,
Valentine’s Day was invented by big corporations so they could sell more anti-depressants
Me: Anyone absent today?
Child: Nope….But 5 students were home sick.Only the finest education for my babies, folks…..
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
It’s very 2024 because I was just so impressed with how thick that store’s checkout bags are. I was like, “Such nice bags. Oh wow. So sturdy! Usually plastic bags are like tissue paper thin. These, now THESE bags are some serious bags. They can HOLD stuff. These are for me? Wow”
Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.
My husband and I just met with our financial advisor. Our new retirement plan is to disband, marry much older, wealthier spouses and kind of just wait it out.
Who called it a knock off designer watch and not a Fauxlex
H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.
Me: Good idea.
[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]
I met a girl at a club last night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
Amazon only lets you put 51 items in your cart and
A) that’s bullshit
B) I probably shouldn’t know this
If a panda was coming after me to kill me I don’t think I’d even try to stop it. It would be an adorable death and my family would have a great story for decades.
When you try to tell a story but start getting anxious and mess it up, that’s a panicdote.
me when i see my girls butt
Taking a road trip with my toddler made me realize that I do in fact negotiate with terrorists.
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
me: the most realistic movie i could ever watch would be one where the main character in a big city has to park their car about seven or eight blocks away from the building they’re going to
my priest, about to give me communion: is there another religion you can join?