Angel: welcome to heaven
Me: holy shit
Angel: ooh you swore get out
Devil: welcome to hell
Me: holy shit
Devil: ugh u said holy get out
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“EVERYONE IS ENGAGED BUT YOU” – facebook
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
My childhood was fairly normal and I still turned out like this.
Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.
*SEES SPIDER DRESSED AS A CLOWN IN THE SHOWER*
**LEAVES THE UNIVERSE**
[At a psychic fair]
Psychic: Ask whatever you want to know. Success? Work? Love? Money?
Me: Can you tell me where my car keys are?
Scientists say Spider-Man would not be able to climb vertical surfaces due to his size. It’s almost like someone made the whole thing up.
I’m a PROUD bidet user, but it didn’t occur to me how losing power in 0° weather would affect the water temp. I think I just had what could be called a religious experience with that bidet. Like, I saw things.
If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.
me: [crying] it came outta nowhere
tour guide: a spider?
me: biggest teeth I’ve ever seen
guide: [panicking] omg a snake?
me: razor-sharp claws
guide: wait… a koala?! so why are you crying?
me: [wiping tears] such a nice cuddle
Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?
I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…
Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.
This pandemic has prompted a lot of questions like, “Who is at the most risk” and “Is it airborne” and “Has my wife always chewed that loudly?”
Watch James Cameron’s spectacular vision to take 3 hours to tell a storyline that could’ve been an e-mail
…again.
(Now in theaters)
The craziest thing about teaching is how you will straight up meet doppelgangers of previous students. Choking back telling them to get outta here. I taught you already
The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.
Either way, I don’t think we should let Shrodinger near any more cats.
[email from Cheryl in HR] Stop calling it Januternity. You’re damaging staff morale.
I tiptoe near my medicine cabinet bc I don’t want to wake my sleeping pills.
Me: do you love natural peanut butter, but hate stirring it?
Construction Boss: I’m not questioning the concept, it’s just not your cement mixer
I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.
It was an unfortunate incident, but at least Doug learned he should never lick his light saber after using it to cut chocolate cake.
If Wile E. Coyote and the Roadrunner taught me one thing it’s that when someone is mildly annoying you should devote the remainder of your life to destroying them.
Yes little lemonade stand girl, I do want change from that twenty dollar bill.
Zooey Deschanel always looks like she’s been shown a card trick
My husband says I’m not heavy enough to make an impact when I stand on him to massage him so I now have the perfect excuse to eat all the cake
MOM: One more word and you are grounded missy
ME: (terrified of being electrocuted) Yay!
Imagine falling in love with a vampire in your 20s, letting them bite you, and having to live for eternity with the type of guy you liked in your 20s.