What’s dopamine is dopayours.
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*flirting with a guy at work*
Soooooo, what do you do for a living?
Sometimes you drop things into that crack next to the driver’s seat and those things just belong to the vehicle’s next owner now
Forget roses, lay her down on a bed of cheeseburgers.
nobody:
4yo: 1+8 equals curtains and zero plus 4 is ok.
My husband thought that it was funny to add his name to the bottom of my to-do list, but the joke’s on him because I’m only doing 1 chore a day in the order that I wrote them and he’s number 26.
I’m not country but I did just stop my car on the side of the road so I could put three goats in the backseat to take home and cut my grass.
What’s your stance on public intoxication?
Mine is very wobbly.
Who really needs jetpacks, I want to be able to start over from my last save point
It’s not enough to get up at 8 am & freeze on the soccer field. One must also scream from the sidelines so everyone knows you care.
One minute she’s saying “put yourself in my shoes” and the next it’s all “well you’ve gone and ruined them now, you idiot”
me: this meeting couldve been an email
me when I get an email: I’m not reading that
A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.
H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft
Don’t ask me for advice I still don’t understand what a 3D printer is.
When I go jogging, I listen to a portable CD player, so people think I’ve been running for 10 years.
when your baby starts crawling on the ceiling how do you get it down
Me: Have you ever tasted cat food?
Interviewer: No, I meant questions about the job.
All I want for Christmas is a survivalist training course so I can finally move to the woods, go off the grid, and not participate in society anymore until the government hunts me down and begs me to help them with a matter of national security, which I refuse.
Husband: You should go to bed.
Me: *pauses show* But there’s only 64 episodes left.
One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I’d love to hold your baby
[FIRST DATE]
Him: “I love science-fiction.”
Me, trying to impress him: “I think the earth is flat.”
*pets your eyebrows*
there, there caterpillar; everything will be ok
Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.
I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.
*extremely loudly* WELCOME TO MY TED TALK ON USING SUBLIMINAL MESSAGING FOR ADVERTISING.
*whispers* cheerios
I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..
Brain: Too much to think about to sleep.
Me: But I have work tomorrow.
Brain: I don’t care-
*alarm goes off*
-okay you can sleep.
Why is this me 😫
[date]
Him: Would it bother you to learn that I’m married?
Her: Look, I don’t believe in bigamy.
Him: So size doesn’t matter either? Phew!
Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.