Angel: Whatcha makin?
God: I call them peanuts. A tasty treat in a protective shell. They’re not really a fruit or vegetable. Most people will love to eat them.
Angel: That sounds innovative-
God: Others will eat them and die
Angel: …is this a prank?
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You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of “bag of ice” to your summer cookout.
Last week my son asked me why we don’t just call them ‘water hydrants’ and I still don’t have an answer for him.
Overheard This Weekend
Boy: Babe comes over to my place.
Gal: what do you want us to do?
Boy: Just to chill
Gal: I don’t chill. That’s how people end up with chill-dren!
What a year we’ve had this week.
Cartoons led me to believe cities were filled with more folks trying to catch dogs in nets on sticks.
<—- homeless romantic
My therapist thinks I should keep coming in for at least one more washer & dryer
[Call from cell company]
We can give you 15 gigs for $100
Me: Excellent!
*Puts the band back together
Eggs benadryl my favourite
How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist
How is the witch who imprisoned children that were eating her house the bad guy of the story?
I want to make some strangers on the internet unreasonably mad today, but first I need to put my cast iron skillet in the dishwasher
Last minute Christmas shopping at Costco in the 10 TVs or less line.
[first day as a cashier]
*intercom* can I get a price check on…die john mustard.
Me: I found some sunglasses. Got any wallets?
Lost&Found: this isn’t an exchange
Me: *pulls sunglasses back*
LF: security!
Me: *runs*
if I order fries, they are for me
if he orders fries, they are for me
if the next table orders fries and they’re not looking, they are for me
They found Richard III’s skeleton in a parking lot. Time stamp on the ticket stub indicates he owes $8,432,773.
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Do you have any questions for me?”
Me: “How strong is the wifi signal in the restroom?”
Interviewer:
There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.
Them: life is so unfair sometimes
Me, thinking of how I’ve never been befriended by a wild animal: yeah it really is
sometimes i remember i was part of the nsa hack back in spring / that all my data is currently floating around china and i’m like “cool”
To whoever needs to hear this: Tie your hair back before you pick up all the dog poop.
I was disappointed he didn’t mean the UK when he said he’d take me to pound town.
The Innuendo Society has reported a huge rise in its members
Tide Pods need a little seasoning?
Sprinkle some bath salts on top.
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35
Obi-Wan: Ani
Anakin: Ani is a girl name! What can’t you call me something cool, like ‘Kin’?!
Obi-Wan: Use the Force Ki—
A: “ANI” IS FINE
Listen, I hate you…
I’m just not… IN hate with you.
I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.
Jamie Oliver says there’s “nothing worse in the world than an undercooked green bean”
I’m going to go out on a limb and say he doesn’t watch the news.