*angrily detangles self from wind chime*
You Might Also Like
Remember when we used to call the “self check-out” – ‘Theft’?
Been walking like an Egyptian and need to visit a Cairopractor.
I just bought some land with a stranger and now we have a lot in common.
I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx
If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.
“Don’t you dare call my lazy friend lazy”, my friend defending my honour
walmart boss: ur fired
me: is it cuz of what i did to the eggs
boss: it’s cuz u keep saying welcome to walgreensmart to the custome– what did u do to the eggs
me: is walmart not short for walgreensmart
“You’re asking too much! I have a LIFE, you know!” I scream at this recipe that requires several of the ingredients to be sifted in a separate bowl before adding to the main mixture.
waiter: say when
dracula: ven
other waiter: haha say it again
Them: What are you wearing?
Me: A T-shirt depicting a cat dressed up as a cowboy riding a shark that’s shooting lasers through the sky. Oh and cat. There’s enough cat hair on me to be wearing at least 1 actual cat.
Writing cuss words on the white space of textbook pages is marginally offensive.
Apparently, autocorrect wants me to get my shirt together.
*car isn’t exactly where I thought I parked it*
Someone stole my car.
To level the playing field, online dating sites should require using the picture in your driver’s license.
The man next to me has cologne so strong that I’m dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.
*train conductor after 15 minutes not moving* ladies and gentlemen you wouldn’t believe the amount of buttons im looking at right now
they smoked a joint and
overthrew the government.
now that’s a high coup
[kool-aid man catches son sneaking in and smells his breath] is that…hawaiian punch?
“dad i can explain”
god: now to create a universe for man, my most beloved creation
lucifer: what if u make like 99.999% of it kill them instantly
god: lol ok
[ first date ]
her: i want a partner that can open my heart
me: well i am a surge-
her: and never do anything to shock me
me: protector
[I time travel and bring back Shakespeare]
SHAKESPEARE: What’s this?
ME: That’s a meme
SHAKESPEARE: What the hell is wrong with you people
Just saw a set of sheets online for $1300.
Lemme tell you something…for that kind of money, those sheets better wash themselves, put themselves back on the bed, make my husband stop snoring, remove my eye wrinkles, and give me back the deep, uninterrupted sleep of my youth.
Welcome to my home! No you’re mistaken, it isn’t a mess, it’s just gallery-style so you can see everything we own at once. Watch your step.
Cop: So, I’m writing a ticket for driving alone in the car pool lane.
Me: You’re going to feel really stupid when you look in my trunk.
I’m pretty sure 2020 came fresh from the Pet Sematary
saw a post asking “would you rather wear a fedora every second for the rest of your life, or every beverage you drink for the rest of your life has 2 drops of pee in it” and i thought the answer was obviously pee until i said this out loud to another person and saw their face
This probably isn’t good
A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.
him, texting from the party: where did you go???
me, already home in bed: bathroom brb