[angrily holding cookie under milk for way too long]
Yo whatcha doin bro?
[looks him dead in the eye]
practicing for you
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I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.
On an afternoon walk, a handsome stranger hands you a note. It says “By the time you read this, I will already be petting your dog.” You look down. It’s true.
Me: It’s hard to stay mad at a guy who shows up with pizza instead of a lame bunch of flowers.
Domino’s Delivery: Listen lady I’ve only been late one time.
Stop trying to eat garlic bread with your elbow!
…and other things I never said before having kids
him: send me a video showing me what you want me to do to you
me:
My mom was right. My face did stay this way.
society: women your age are invisible
me: *robbing a bank* cool, cool
Saw an Amazon truck drop a kid off at school this morning. Didn’t know that was an option.
Waiting for the local donut park to open 🙂
Getting my hair done Monday.
Good news for the kids who scream “WITCH” as they pass by my house, bad news for the birds that live in it.
If I had a parrot I’d teach it to say “I know where they buried the bodies”
[boxing match]
Commentator: Silva is in the red shorts with green, white & yellow trim
Me: the black guy. Just say Silva is the black guy
The three genders.
Is there a hand sanitizer out there that can kill the 0.01% germ?
Amazon: Based on your purchases we think you’ll love this.
Me: First of all how dare you attack me with this accuracy I need a large please.
The year is 2054. My son sits down for his documentary.
Reporter: So what would you say led to your impressive and horrifying killing spree?
Him: Well I think it all began when I was six and my mom threw out my collection of kazoos I’d made from toilet paper rolls
Marriage vows are all about “In sickness and in health” but I didn’t know it was ok for my wife to out-jog me by 2 city blocks on our run while she left me behind to catch my breath and eat ice cream alone.
[getting escorted out of zoo] “I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie”
Dentist: I would like the fish sandwich, please.
Server: Tartar sauce?
Dentist: *eyes narrow*
translated into Canadian
welcome back to invisibility class.
it’s pretty disappointing to see so many of you here.
Car trouble, miss? Allow me to squint, and posture heroically while staring at your labyrinthine engine as panic cascades through my spine.
ME: My wife thinks I’m nuts
SQUIRREL THERAPIST: *excitedly* go on
Do you know where my mexican hat is?
– It’s somewhere bro..
Fine…a sombrero, but what I’m asking is have you seen it?
Child just ran by screaming WHERE’S THE PLUNGER GET TOWELS LOTS OF TOWELS so anyway how is your day going?
Knuckle tats:
(M)(Y)(P)(A)(R)(E)(N)(T)(S)
(W)(E)(R)(E)(R)(E)(L)(A)(T)(E)(D)
“You lie like a doge!” I tell my wife.
“So deceit!” I add.
“Very fraud!” I mention.
“Much fiction!” I point out.“Wow,” she says.
Nutritionist: Do you eat salad?
Me: Yes, I love potato salad.
Nutritionist: no
“Hello, cops? A man in an apron attacked my hair with scissors!”
“LOL sir, that was a barber.”
“He was black.”
“We’re sending a battleship.”
“omfg i hate him so much i can’t stop looking at him”
“……um friend is that really how hate works?”