I want to live in a clean house but the whole living in it is really getting in the way.
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I told my kids we get visited by the Easter Chicken because bunnies don’t lay eggs.
“Now you sound ridiculous,” said 8.
He said: We can’t go away on vacation and leave your mug in the sink. The kitchen isn’t clean if there are dishes in the sink.
~ a few weeks later ~
I said: You can’t go off to work and leave your hair in the sink. The bathroom isn’t clean if there are whiskers in the sink.
My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.
When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.
A door was tried in court.
It was an open and shut case.
I let my son go to bed last night with his Nintendo Switch and he called me a good dad. This parenting shit is easy!
I’ve not been into the office since March, but I can still smell the boiled eggs my coworker ate at lunch on that last day.
Unfortunately you can only fake your death like three times before your boss starts asking to see the death certificate
Your stomach probably thinks all potatoes are mashed
I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key
It’s super offensive when they move on before you did.
Enrique:I can be your hero baby
Me:I’m good
E:I can kiss away your pain
Me:Nah
E:You can take my breath away
Me: *smothers him with pillow
Your kid says “don’t worry I take care of it” but you don’t know what “it” is.
Cleaned out my closet and found Narnia. I should check on these folks more often, their political and social infrastructure is in shambles
A woman at the gym wouldn’t let me wipe down the machine for her after I’d used it. I think this means we’re engaged
[Using raccoons for a heist]
Pros:
• stealthy
• tiny hands
• no fingerprints
• blend in with the dark
• attracted to shiny things
• already have the outfitCons:
• distracted by shiny things
• not great with directions
• poor traffic safety
houseplants b like due to personal reasons i will be passing away…
If zombies ever do attack, I’ll just skip coffee that morning. They’ll leave me alone because they’ll think I’m one of them.
If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them
There needs to be a grocery store for single people where they sell flour by the tablespoon.
I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
ME: I fell off a 50 ft tall ladder once
GIRL: holy cow how did you survive
ME: I fell off the bottom rung
My kids brought me a mint to try. I commented that it tasted like toothpaste and they said it was hard toothpaste they scraped out of the sink and rolled into mint balls and they want me to be an investor. They call them Breath Balls and DOES ANYBODY WANT TO ADOPT SOME KIDS
Son: What’s for dinner?
Me: Cake.
Son: Yay! I want cake!
Me: What are the magic words?
Son: I LOVE YOU MORE THAN I LOVE MOM.
Me: Here ya go.
The Queen is crazy if she thinks I’m going to wait until February
very niche meme I made
even bears disappoint their mothers
Air Bud’s owner: There’s no rule in the book that says a dog can’t be on the court.
Chief Justice Roberts: *sigh* We’ll need his measurements for the robe.