Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.
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Yoda: Clouded, your future is.
Anakin: Are you smoking pot again?
Yoda: Six cheeseburgers, I want.
IKEA is Swedish for “divorce labyrinth.”
Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT’d, so I threw it back in.
The Middle Ages were rough because in addition to famines and plagues you had to deal with getting armor for your horse
Its trashy to reveal your special attack on the first date
There is a natural phenomenon going on in my house. It seems I’m the only one who sees the trash piling up. It’s quite astounding.
Sir, your wife was stabbed ten times, but the missing piece is the murder weapon. So far we have nothing, Mr *checks notes* Scissorhands.
[Homeschool field trip to the laundry room]
Kids: Dad, what IS this place?
Me: I have absolutely no idea
judge: do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth
me: no
judge: [covers mic] what do I do
His kids disappoint him
He’s pissed off at life
He screams at the news
He yells at his wife
He once punched a Girl Scout
Who looked at him wrong
He tripped an old woman
For singing a song
Just stay out of his way
Or risk a black eye
He’s
11yo: Are we there yet?
Me: Minutes away
11yo: Technically we’re always minutes away from everything, we’re minutes away from death right now
My kid upon learning his actual name is Charles and not Charlie
Harder!
Faster!
A little to the left.
Yeah, that’s the spot.Me, watching my husband scrub the shower.
People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”
Tomorrow is school picture day
Can 9 choose his own clothes? Yes
Did I just remove clothes from his closet I don’t want him to choose? Also yes
Waiter, Waiter, I would like some lamb chops and make them lean.
Certainly Sir, forwards or backwards?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
My friend met a wonderful man and swears that her dead ex-boyfriend sent him to her. I’m so jealous. I wish my ex-boyfriend was dead.
[driving with wife and son]
me: aw he’s falling asleep so cute
wife: wake him up before he drives off the road
You know that kid on the field who’s too busy spinning in circles to notice the ball coming at him? He’s mine, and he’s not even on a team.
Me in my 20’s: I graduated with honors
Me in my 40’s: I beat Waze to work
There aren’t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.
I wish my seven-year-old daughter would stop using air quotes whenever she calls me “Dad.”
And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like – Never just be yourself. There’s something wrong with you.
I wonder if serial killers ever leave their knives on the edge of the sink in case they may want to commit two murders.
To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You’re a bad person.
Wife: How many beers did you have while I was gone?
Me: Two.
4-year-old: It was nine.
Teaching her to count was a mistake.
Parenting is a lot of shouting things like: IF YOU GET YOURSELF STUCK IN A BOX, YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO MOVE UNTIL I GET A PICTURE!
Sesame Street has been on the air since 1969. Working with kids that long, it’s no wonder Cookie Monster is an addict & Oscar is a grouch.
My parents, 2017:
“Put down your phone and hang out with your kids.”My parents, 1989:
“Shhh, not now, we’re watching TV.”