“Annie are you ok?”
-yep
“Are you ok?”
-dude, I just said yes
“Are you ok Annie?”
-THIS IS WHY YOU DON’T HAVE ANY FRIENDS MICHAEL
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I accidentally gave my newborn Muscle Milk instead of formula and now he’s blasting Pantera and doing one arm pull-ups off his crib
I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.
Whew Netflix is making a LOT of enemies. Kids away at school, kids who live with different parents depending on the day, grandparents who live elsewhere but have their own accounts, people who travel for work…like girl. All this and half your mess can’t get a season 2??? Be fr
puting flowers in my hair to accentuate my dirt like quality
You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?
“More Wine”
If you take your antidepressant prescription to the pharmacy in your wedding gown while sobbing incoherently, they will fill it instantly.
My gummy vitamins melted together so I’m just gonna take a bite out of this every day instead of letting them go to waste
No, you tell me what YOU were doing during that gap in my resume.
tag: “dry clean only”
me: single-use garment? what a waste
me: [flicking through memory book] aww and this is my first pet, hammy the hamster
gf: you know you could have just taken a photo
So I neutered my car yesterday
“You, what?”
Neutered my car
“…”
It’s another word for fixed
“I wish I never gave you that thesaurus”
*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*
*sets loose in back yard*
*never mows again*
[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now
DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog
Adding osaur to the end of a word doesn’t make it work appropriate according to this cuntosaur reporting me to HR.
“Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” – crickets (translated)
So NASA found evidence there’s a parallel universe next to ours and honestly if 2020 gets any worse I’m grabbing my family and we’re bookin a flight outta here. I hear flights are hella cheap right now.
Well, we made it 9 years, but it finally happened. Every parents’ nightmare. In the middle of the night our daughter caught us in the act, right there on the couch. Eating ice cream.
People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”
You’ve taken 3 pregnancy tests this month.
“What’s your point”
My point is that your shoplifting is odd and out of control Eric.
In the past 3 weeks, my trash has gone out more than I have.
Me: I’ve lost my kitten
Cop: How would you best describe him?
Me: He looks like a miniature cat
Toddler: *crawling across the desert*
Kind stranger: *offers water*
Toddler: No, red cup!
my therapist told me to have an image to focus on when i think there is no hope
Doc : Do you know what blood type you are?
Me : Red?
My 16 y/o plays this hilarious game where he loses something, accuses everyone in the house of “moving it,” then finds it under his bed.
Daughter’s math homework: Provide an example of
a) a real number
b) an imaginary numberDaughter:
a) the number displayed on Dad’s bathroom scale
b) the weight listed on his driver’s license
Them: Alcohol is not a healthy coping mechanism.
Me: Okay but when I tried to keep a therapist in the cupboard above the fridge I got in trouble so…
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘mnemonic’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Memory Needs Every Method Of Nurturing Its Capacity
Mice are just frozen Mwater.