[anniversary dinner]
HER: tell me something that will make my heart race
ME: my credit card got declined
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A baby was born laughing really hard with it’s fists closed! The confused Doctor unfolded it’s tiny fingers, & found a birth control pill.
Not sure if I want buns of steel, or buns of cinnamon.
Halloween is the only day of the year I can be myself.
*flies away with my broom*
Boss: Isn’t your new job kind of a [stifling laughter] sideways move?
Crab: [to HR person] see this is what I’m talking about
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
I have this friend who doesn’t post anything on social media. He just lives his life.
I said, “how am I supposed to know what you’re up to?” he said, “ask me”
What a weirdo.
When people try to debate me online I’m just going to suggest they read a book I make up and that doesn’t exist
Boyfriend walked into the bathroom as I was taking a tampon out.
He screamed: PLEASE SAY IT ISN’T LIT! I DON’T WANNA GO OUT LIKE THIS!
*Flat-Earther discussing laying the foundations to his new house*
Building contractor: It’s going to take a few weeks to get the ground level.
Flat-Earther: *eyes narrow*
Travel Tips
1. Pack light
2. Dress comfortably
3. Bring a book
4. Anything can happen
5. You’ll probably get killed
6. Don’t leave the house
one time i went to the bathroom and i didn’t know my xbox headset was still on and the other gamers heard me give myself a pep talk
shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs
I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?
I hate straight weddings because we all have to form a circle and pretend a 4 year old is a better dancer than me.
Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.
Doctor: tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.
ME: Alexa, am I drunk?
TUBE OF PRINGLES:
[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?
[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!
Human beings are the absolute worst, so tomorrow I’ll be a wombat.
Someone asked how I was doing, so I said, “well l, let’s just say I’m not built Ford Tough” bc I’m not able to say I’m not doing well out loud. In retrospect I think the cashier really just wanted a “good & you” response but instead we bathed in the awkwardness that is my brain.
Parenthood is so crazy. We’re really out here getting bullied by the people we made.
The girl in front of me googled “med school GPA” and then immediately after googled “what can I do with a biology degree”.
I have witnessed someone face reality.
The pig jumped into bed with my 6-year-old all by herself.
It was super cute.
Then the pig threw up all over her.
Considerably less cute.
Bathe your child in lavender soap before bed so you’re both nice and relaxed before you lose your mind when they won’t go to sleep.
back in the day, my idiot friends and i used to pump our right fists in the air and say “right arm” instead of “right on” my god how are we still alive
My son forgot he needed a new spiral notebook for today & is annoyed I don’t have one like, sorry our house didn’t magically turn into a Staples last night.
My sign? I’m a Zebra, no grey areas for me.
Narrator: Ursula was indeed a Libra. She often confused astrology with zoology.
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs… I’ve been his customer for 6 years… I had no idea he was a barber.
me *walks into house*
wife: Where are the kids?
me *turns around and goes back out*