I’d say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.
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The wife told me to stop acting childish this morning and I really couldn’t say anything back, I wasn’t speechless I just had a whole donut in my mouth.
The KANYE went down to the very KANYE street to buy a new KANYE for only $KANYE dollars. “KANYE?” he asked.
– Kanye West doing a Mad Lib
Thanks for the awesome options, autocorrect
SOLDIER: Yankee Oscar Uniform Romeo Foxtrot Lima Yankee India Sierra Delta Oscar Whiskey November
CAPTAIN: Lima Oscar Lima!
Convince people you’re an international spy or drug dealer by snapping your phone in half after finishing a call
I slept well. My eyebrows evidently tossed and turned.
Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I’m pretending it’s the sound of his body bag.
Offered the kids $5 to clean so they could learn about money and then didn’t pay them so they could learn about randomly trusting people.
I’m just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation
Me *tearing up as my bride walks down the aisle on our wedding day*
Priest:
Me:
Priest: Look she might come back
If you don’t fold the laundry, it won’t get folded. I know because I run this experiment weekly
Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.
me: I would sell my soles for some chocolate right now
devil: done! wait, what the h-
me: no takebacksies
devil: *holding a pair of sensible flats* damnit
What idiot called it a contraction and not a birthquake?
Friend without kids: I’m so tired.
Me, drinking coffee from a bowl: Yeah OK
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
I don’t like grudges. My Aunt kept grudges. I’ve always hated her for it.
My current diet all ends with an S.
Pizzas.
Hamburgers.
Tacos.
Nachos.
Everything that’s in sights.
ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height
*husband lifts up hood of car*
H: Aimee, could you…
Me: *honks horn*
H: *jumps* Damnit Aimee, don’t…
Me: *honk*
H:
Me: *honk*
First 20 minutes driving through farm country: “Isn’t this pretty?”
Next 3 hours: *can’t remember a life before corn*
Him: I’m a champion bull rider, baby. I know how to handle the ride.
Me: All I’m hearing is you last for 8 seconds.
took my mom to detective pikachu she said she liked the “garlic pokemon”
Tall, fit, great hair, dazzling smile, good with kids, excellent swordsman, right-handed.
~ Captain Hook’s Tinder profile ~
[leaving a birthday party with my piñata friend] i swear i didn’t know they were going to do that
“Just take me home”
in the mid 20s liminal space where if u entertain dinner guests half the people r gonna bring a $30 bottle of natural wine and beautiful salad the other half are going to bring themselves and the largest bag of flamin hot cheetos u have ever seen
its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while
I asked the wife what she wanted for her birthday and all she said was ‘after all this time you know what I like, surprise me’.
Anyone know how to go about the harvesting and storing of souls?
I can’t believe someone had the audacity to tell ME *gestures wildly at self* that I’m dramatic