ANNOUNCEMENT: DENIM CLUB MEETING IS CANCELLED. AVERY RIPPED HIS JEAN VEST AT THE SUPERMARKET. HE’S OKAY, BUT VERY UPSET.
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[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
Never mess with a drunken pig.
When I hear my kids try to insult each other with “yo momma” jokes, I end up yelling how I’m not fat or stupid.
While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.
Apparently yesterday was World Homeopathy Day. Homeopathy is so useless, even its awareness day doesn’t get noticed. Maybe they should try diluting it across several months?
Finishing a book is like saying goodbye to an old friend. Finishing a show you binge-watched is like staggering out of a motel where you’ve been holed up for 24 hours with someone you met while trying to score crack.
7:00AM – I am NOT going to lose my shit & yell at the kids today.
7:15AM – Dammit.
So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”
[magic show]
MAGICIAN {fanning out deck of cards}: Pick a card, any card…
ME: Your VISA card
MAGICIAN: God dammit!
I reached blindly inside my cavernous mom bag for a lip balm and I touched something I didn’t recognize. Go on without me.
Chewing tobacco is for people who like cigarettes, but are hungry
Anyone know the second rule of fight club?
Me: By the old gods and the new…may no man ever remove this crown.
Dentist: You can rinse now.
Non-tweeting friend: “So it’s like FB?”
Me: “Except everyone’s mean & sarcastic & brutally honest.”
“Sounds awf…”
“Awesome. I know.”
Therapist: You’ve created a backstory for your cat?
Me: It’s Miss Meowerton.
T:
Me: Of the Virginia Meowertons?
Ancestors came over on the Meowflower. Landed at Plymeowth Rock…Therapist: I’m writing you a prescription.
Little Mermaid remake: Ariel falls in love after seeing the tender way Prince Eric holds a fish in his Tinder profile.
I went to handshake someone and he basically just gripped my thumb and I’m never going to be popular
“I’ve risen from the ashes many times” – Guy who gets drunk and falls into fireplaces.
I like to say “Have a great day” before the cashier has a chance to. Power move.
Iceland has a population smaller than Tampa yet we let them sit there at the UN all smug. Always bragging about how they have cured their society of like IBS and it turns out the one guy who had it just moved away.
We didn’t think of the ecosystem when we abolished Mondays. Dying of starvation, we watch as our crops are devoured by millions of Garfields
2035: EVERY CELEBRITY HAS EXPRESSED AN AWFUL OPINION. THE ONLY ENTERTAINMENT IS A SMALL CAT…UNTIL ONE DAY, IT CLEARLY MEOWS “HITLER”
Everything my three year old says is like listening to a weird roommate describe their LSD dreams.
Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.
Is that cheesecake?
The difference between HOA & HORTA is one’s a lava monster that will melt your face & the other’s from Star Trek.
People falling down has become a lot less funny now that I’m in my 40s and can incur permanent bodily damage from like yawning wrong
Because of Gwen Stefani I can spell bananas so I wish she’d write a song where she spells restaurant.
Professor X: What’s your power?
Me: I can turn ice into cats.
Professor X: That’s ridiculous.
Police: [busting in] You’re all under arrest!
Me: I got this!
Polecats: Sonofa…
*deathbed*
All that time wasted. When I could have been *looks at family*
getting down to this… sick… beat
*dies*
*widow rolls eyes*