Announcer: “Welcome to the Super Bowl 50 Halftime Show. Are you ready to rock?!”
[crowd goes nuts]
A: “Well too bad, here’s Coldplay”
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To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.
jigsaw: I have injected you with a deadly poison
me [sitting in a chair]: OMG
jigsaw: if you want to live the antidote is on the other side of the room
me: I don’t understand, I’m not tied up?
jigsaw: *places sleeping kitten on my lap*
me: goodbye cruel world
One day you’re bad to the bone and before you know it you’re tired to the bone
The people who got clotheslined by a landline phone cord
Asa Mitaka
@Kursed___
Who is your target audience when you tweet?
Me: was your son fed?
Wife: yes.
Me: bathed?
Wife: yes.
Me: in bed on time?
Wife: yes.
Me: so I’m a “bad dad” why?
Wife: his pajamas.
Me: what about them?
Wife: THEY. DON’T. MATCH.
I still remember the day I asked my mom “why did you have so many of us? (I have 4 brothers and 2 sisters)
Her response: there was nothing good on T.V.
*turns my phone upside down like a tip and strip pen*
Everyone naked?
Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.
I will flirt with you but honestly neither of us will have any idea it’s happening
Grant me the serenity to supernaturally change the things I cannot accept.
Mommy, what are these?
“Put them back they are sleeping pills!”
Oh, then you shouldn’t yell
“Why?”
[whispering] YOU’LL WAKE THEM UP
One of the reasons I had to retire early is because I ran out family members that died excuses for not coming in to work.
[11am]
Me: oh look, it’s sunny out.
Me: I should go running.
Me: or swimming!
Me: these Doritos are delicious.
Cyclists who think you’re both a car AND a pedestrian.
Explain yourselves.
I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”
Now we wait.
My nail technicians always speak their native language around me and I can’t help but feel left out…it’s like…come on besties…I want to make fun of me too
*first day as a hair stylist
“STOP SCREAMING ABOUT THE BLOOD! THAT’S WHY WE PUT THE APRON ON YOU!”
[Starbucks intercom]
“Will the man that ordered the Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte please pick up your drink. No one is looking.”
Angry church people on Good Friday are Fast and Furious
After I mow my lawn, I give my neighbor about 72 hours to respond.
if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.
[to the two wolves inside me]
do you need to go outside and go potty
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
Kelly Ayotte says “Donald Trump is absolutely a role model for kids.” She’s right, kids don’t pay taxes either.
*cracks neck*
*grabs bat*
*finishes juice box*
Ok. I’m in.
My favorite type of men is ramen.
“You’re a nice guy”
One time I took a bite of my friends corn dog during lunch in elementary school and blamed it on someone else. So, I beg to differ
You’re technically never cheated on you were just in a surprise polyamorous relationship
The Indian version of “How I Met Your Mother”is just a single episode called “I Met Her At Our Wedding”.
[1st date]
Her: so u play piano?
Him: yep
Her: is it hard?
Him: that’s pretty forward but yeah, as a rock
Her: I meant playing piano
Him: oh