Annoys me when I’m typing my reply and someone starts typing like you see those 3 bubbles and I’m just like no excuse me wait your turn thanks
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surgeon: this man has a broken leg
horse surgeon intern: oh no
surgeon: which we can easily fix
horse surgeon intern: wait which we can what?
I got replaced as Romeo in the high school play because the girl playing Juliet kept stabbing herself in Act I.
Here’s a list of things I need you to accomplish without any resources to do them with.
-management
In Korean restaurant w/my son & Korean waitress says to him”Hi, how are you”? “Sorry I don’t speak Chinese” Great. I’ve raised a douche!
Slowly descending into madness anyone want anything?
My doctor doesn’t like it when he tells me to disrobe and I say “you first, I’m shy.”
How did so many people gain weight during the pandemic when salad was the only thing stores never ran out of?
“So I go east? Then west? Then back east?”
~ Me, drunk and getting directions from the inflatable stick figure in front of a car dealership
The Bachelor would be a much better show if there was one woman who was a secret saboteur actively trying to wreck The Bachelor’s life.
Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji
After having a backup camera, it’s really hard to not have one. Driving my daughter’s car and I just assume that I probably backed over a short person.
My husband called and asked if I could be naked before he gets home from work. I feel awkward sitting here with his mother, but whatever.
An app that detects itself running on other people’s phones, then both devices play Random Encounter music. What happens next is up to you.
Couldn’t find regular eggs so i just bought 3 dozen Cadbury caramel eggs because where there’s a will there’s a way
I disagree with liquor store hours. It’s 8am..let me in.
(dumping an old couch in the ocean) i am creating an artificial reef, to act as a fish habitat
I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.
ME: [staring off into distance]
HER: what’s wrong?
M: nothing
H: talk to me
M: it’s just…that bus in Speed would’ve never made that jump
DATE: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
ME: *gets really close to the date & whispers* I’m just a person, what bullshit question is this
News “Don’t go outside. The temperatures are life threatening”
Hot flash “LOL. Challenge accepted.”
[3am]
no one:
not a soul:
my dog: *wonder if I can break the world record for how loud I lick myself
I need to hide the teen’s birthday present where he’ll never find it so I’m thinking behind the vacuum cleaner will be perfect.
A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere
Spent the entire day trying to improve the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.
Parenting is hard, which is why no one is gonna judge you for what you’ve got in that Yeti mug at the soccer game.
Humans are 58% water. Jellyfish are 95% water. Therefore, humans are 61% jellyfish.
[going 75 mph on the freeway with only forests on both sides of the road]
my phone: I found nine wi-fi connections to HP printers.
Every time I see a white work van, I beat the driver unconscious, and check in the back. Sooner or later I’ll be a hero.
Prop Manager *checks gun*
“There are real bullets in here.”Rookie prop assistant: “Yeah we are out of fake blood.”
girlfriend: is crying
me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while