Annoys me when I’m typing my reply and someone starts typing like you see those 3 bubbles and I’m just like no excuse me wait your turn thanks
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My kid said “don’t look at me,” and now it’s like my eyes are glued to her face and I can’t look anywhere else.
My fashion sense has been described as “They probably won’t let you in like that” and “Are those your pajamas?”
It’s happened
I used painters tape to section the family room so each kid stays in their play square…anyone who moves into someone else’s square gets sent to their room
Because apparently using the tape ON the kids is frowned upon 🤷🏻♀️
going to rock bottom do you guys need anything
I’ve been using a lot of moisturizer. I’m at aloe point in my life.
My 16 yr old has a mandatory sophomore Catholic school retreat that lasts 24 hours. No phones allowed. His argument against going, “I just can’t.”
Me, “It’s tradition. Even I did it. All your siblings did it. Nothing can stop it. Absolutely nothing. Period.”Coronavirus: LOL.
The only occasions in which I will run:
– Zombie apocalypse
– Salma Hayek is handing out all-you-can-eat baby back ribs
Grandma: what’s oversharing?
Me: It’s when you talk about your hemorrhoid surgery on FaceBook.
Just the best dancing sandwiches.
Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace
Sorry I put aviator sunglasses on the baby Jesus in your nativity scene and started singing highway to the manger zone.
My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I winked at her.
She bought me eye drops.
me: I’ve finally reached the tipping point
waitress: oh thank god!
Yes, let’s group-edit this 3 page Word doc line-by-line on a conference call. That seems efficient.
Elon Musk: [throws soup out a window]
Chef: OMG VEGETABLE STOCK IS PLUMMETING
Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.
You may want to rethink that.
[varnishing an old rocker]
keith richards: what the hell man
“Shake your money maker”
Me: *bangs head repeatedly against the desk*
I would guard your potatoes so hard.
Cashier: Smile!
Me: Worry about your own face.
Me at 15: I can’t wait to make my own money and buy whatever I want
Me now: *rinses off a sliced cheese that fell on the floor*
Do one person every day that scares you.
Someone told me they dont get tattoos cuz “you dont put bumper stickers on a Ferrari” which was weird bc he was a 92 Chevy caprice at best
Me: *in fancy men’s clothes shop having just been told he price of the suit I was admiring* “Yes, yes I see… and how much for the hanger?”
We got in the car, and my husband said we’re gonna do a quick stop at Costco. I didn’t even do my hair! If you’re gonna take me on a date, please tell me first. I’m so mad rn. Smh I’m gonna be eating my churro looking like I belong at Walmart.
[enter password]
*Correct*
[your password is incorrect]
Me: ahh that’s right
*incorrect*
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My husband and I are looking for someone to whistle show tunes while we have sex in our hot tub. Serious inquires only, please.
i tried to ask a girl out today but i messed up my words and accidentally summoned a demon. anyway, whats a good first date for a demon
Women would be all over Bruce Wayne if he showed them the bat cave, but when I say… “hey wanna check out this cave under my house?”…. I get karate chopped
I’m scared. I have this weird stabby pain in my chest and it really hurts and..Dorito. It was a Dorito in my bra.