Annual reminder.
If Christmas decorations were meant to go up in November then surely they’d be called novorations.
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[restaurant]
WIFE: Sorry I snapped at you. I’m a little grumpy.
ME: It’s okay. You have your period, which means your hormones are-[one hour later]
DOCTOR: Mansplaining?
ME: *nods*
DOCTOR: Alright, It’s gonna sting a little when I pull the salad fork out.
I miss making out in public and making people feel uncomfortable
[identifying body]
Cop: this him?
Me: yea
Cop: he’s burnt pretty bad huh
Me: yea
Cop: …
Me: …
Cop: prolly get a discount on cremation
What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*
[emerging from my time machine during the Byzantine-Arab War]
ME: Excuse me, what year is it?
MAN: It’s 830.
ME: [whispering] sorry to wake you, dude. what year is it?
Clerk: we’re not that kind of mom and pop shop
Batman: *eyes welling*
Me: Yes honey.. I know.. a stroller for the baby. I got it.
*hangs up*
Salesman: As I was saying, the largest hamster ball we sell is a-
this is how life feels
*through a mouthful of Nutella*
Oh, yeah, healfy eafing is sufer imfortant to me.
RANGER: watch out for wolves
ME: oh ya?
RANGER: so relentless-
[wolf runs up w/ bible] HAVE U HEARD ABOUT OUR LORD & SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST
Fact: If you blast hiphop at a shallot, it becomes a rapscallion.
It is with a heavy heart that I announce I will no longer be accepting mayonnaise as a form of payment because SOME of you *glares at the crowd* made it weird.
7-ELEVEN CUSTOMER: Ew! This slurpee machine is full of weird dirt!
MANAGER: Weird dirt? But that means…
*cut to Dracula flailing around in a coffin filled with blue berry blast*
best friend: the recording guy for our wedding cancelled on us
me: I can do it
best friend: thanks man!
[after the wedding]
best friend: *visibly angry* all you did was play that stupid flute the whole time
me: actually it’s a recorder
Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation
My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.
“Check it out, I bought a shoot gun”
“You mean a shotgun”
“No not yet”
For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar
me: i need a new hat to wear for when i go sailing on my yacht
salesman: cap size?
me: i hope not
I just saw a woman with a “Dog Mom” bumper sticker. And while the kid in the back seat wasn’t great looking, I still thought it was kinda harsh.
My kids are at their grandparents’ for the week, and did you guys know that when there are no kids living at your house IT STAYS CLEAN ALL THE TIME???
Nothing is as heavy as a page that needs turning.
Establish dominance over your children by whining louder
Friend 1: Can you babysit on sa..
Me: Sorry I’m busyFriend 2: Can you feed my cat while I’m on vac..
*knock knock*
Me: IT’S ME I’M OUTSIDE
Me: [in Airplane Mode] Don’t call me
Me: [in Airplane! Mode] Don’t call me Shirley
Arrogant Co-Worker: Do you have any idea how many years of education I have?
Me: Don’t feel bad, I got held back a couple of times myself.
The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.
WIFE:Did you get the spaghetti?
ME:Better.
WIFE:Better?
ME:Look at this crazy, wild spaghetti I found outside! *hands just full of snakes*
i don’t really hate you but if you were falling off a cliff
i would be waving good bye