Annual reminder that Valentine’s Day was a scam invented by Goodyear to sell all the heart-shaped tires their factory made by mistake
You Might Also Like
WebMD: you have all the diseases
Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them
There’s been a terrible misunderstanding.
It seems that monkey is the root of all evil.
the avengers: “the city is saved”
the city:
My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down
Ugh, I may have lost my “World’s Best Dad” keychain. My 2 year old was playing with it an hour ago but I don’t know where she went.
Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.
Body by cheese-puffs.
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we drifted apart, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
2019: Tumblr blinks offline, satisfied, having completed its mission of collecting all existing TV and film footage as GIF files.
If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper
My fashion decisions have gone from “Is it cute?” to “Is it comfy?” to “Did anybody see me wear this yesterday?”
Dear boyfriend, i can make ur girlfriend scream louder than u can.
Sincerely, spiders
“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”
Going to work bro it’s Wednesday
You think 2020 is bad, wait till 2025 when the Murder Ladybugs invade.
Just accidentally deleted all my contacts. Best day ever.
hey guys. um so say i hypothetically worked at a big tech company and hypothetically spilled some diet ginger ale on the big um servers in the back room and now a lot of stuff is going wrong. what should i hypothetically do
Going on a trip to see a regular canyon. I feel like the Grand Canyon is trying too hard.
Know Your Time-Related Abbreviations
B.C. – before christ
A.D. – after dhristA.M. – after midnight
P.M. – pefore midnight
My girlfriend is pissed that I just matched with her on Tinder.
To the skeptics who don’t believe in precognition, please explain how I’m able to identify and choose the slowest line in the supermarket and gas station EVERY SINGLE TIME
A girl on TikTok just said she is wearing her aunts vintage top from the early 2000’s and I’m dead.
What do we want?
ROCK HARD ABS!
When do we want them?
THE DAY AFTER THE HOLIDAYS ARE OVER!
To see more unmatched reporting, visit
[3rd Date]
*To myself* ok, you really like this girl. Just play it cool, detached.
ME: I don’t even care what season we get married in.
Brb taking my potted plant for a walk
“And that is tha sunshine, and this is another plant, you guys can’t be friends he lives outside”
Blind Date Tip: In the middle of dinner throw a surprise punch to see if they are really blind
[food naming committee]
… Ok. Cow?
– Beef
Ground up?
– Burger
Great. Pig?
– Pork
Baked & sliced?
– Ham
Super! Deer?
– Venison
Fish?
– Fish
also check out:
hooray it’s herpes
smile, you’re diabetic
depression for dummies
still thinking about the time my bf told me I was “boring and unoriginal,” and the only thing I could respond with was “no, YOU’RE boring and unoriginal”